It's A Hard Hell Life
by Dustfingers-Angel
Summary: (My OC) Mavriel is Queen of Hell, Crowley is King; and everything not perfect, but what did she expect? An account of Mav's experiences as she takes on the everyday challenges of being the Queen of Hell. Sequel to 'Becoming the Queen of Hell'. Part of my Mavriel series. Disclaimer; I don't own Spn (Set s7 after the Leviathans leave Cas and continues through the following seasons)
1. Lesson 1 - Check your phone

I collapsed back onto the bed, eyes shut. I let out a load groan. "Now, now, Mavriel - you knew what you were getting yourself into, Love" Crowley said, shutting the door behind him.

I just groaned again, kicking off my shoes and curling up on the bed. Today had mostly been dedicated to taking accounts of deals - something I thought could have been done by crossroads demons individually, but Crowley had seen certain individuals cheat the system before, so be insisted on keeping his own accounts as well. And I didn't leave Crowley's side, not yet. Though it should be safe enough, I agreed with his reasoning that I'd be safer with him.

Grudgingly I sat up, "Can you unzip me?"

"Sure thing, Love" he crawled across the bed, kneeling begin me and pulling down the zip at the back of my short but business-like dress. "It's just one day a month, Mav. I'm sure you can cope with that."

"Yeah well we'll see about that" I answered, standing and pulling my dress off over my head. I draped it over an arm of my armchair (Crowley's was the one on the left of the fireplace, mine's was on the right), someone would get it tomorrow after we were up for the day.

Quickly I changed into my pyjamas before lying back down on top of the rich fabric of our bed covers. I grabbed my phone from my bedside table, unlocking it and tapping on messages - 7 unread.

Four were from Dean, three from Sam. I tapped on Sam's first.

 **\- Hi, is everything ok? Haven't heard from you in a while**

 **\- Mav Dean's getting worried about you, text one of us please**

 **\- Please text**

Well shit. I went back and tapped on Dean's.

 **\- Hey Mav, you alright? Text if you need anything - if we're leaving the bunker for a case I'll tell you**

 **\- Hey, are you okay? Text back**

 **\- Mav, is everything ok? Please, just want to hear from you**

 **\- Mav please text me**

"Bugger" I muttered.

"What's wrong, Love?" Crowley lay down beside me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and gently pulling me to his side.

"The boys have been trying to get in touch with me" I was annoyed at myself, having neglected to check my phone for the last few days. "I'll go see them tomorrow"

"If you must" Crowley sighed.

"We agreed I can leave when I want, I want to go tomorrow"

"Okay, okay, no problem Mav" he pressed a kiss to the side of my head.

"Thanks" I began texting Dean.

 **\- Sorry, I've been busy, I forgot to check my phone. Don't worry about me, I'm fine. I'm coming back tomorrow x**

Then I text Sam

 **\- Hi, sorry I've not been replying, I'll tell you about it tomorrow, I'm coming back then. Don't worry, everything is fine x**

I sat my phone down and plugged it in to charge. I didn't know how electricity worked in Hell but I wasn't going to question it. Crowley twirled my hair around his fingers, "Do you want a drink?"

"No, I'm going to go to sleep Crowley" I said tiredly.

"That's okay Darling, you deserve a good rest"

I stood and pulled back the sheets, crawling under as Crowley did the same. I curled in against him, my head on his shoulder, his arm around me, tracing patterns on my back. I waited, thinking, eventually I said, "I'm going to tell them tomorrow"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm going to have to. They're worried about me, if we leave it any longer they'll figure it out themselves and that's not something we want" I sighed.

"I suppose you're right" he groaned softly, "Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, I'll tell them myself. They'll get more pissed if you're there"

"Well that is true"

I sighed curling in tighter against him, closing my eyes. Technically Crowley didn't need to sleep, but he did, in his own way. Mentally I cursed myself for not telling Sam and Dean the truth to start with, but of course I would have been kept under house arrest if I had. I should have told them anyway, but it was too late now. It was time to get some sleep and deal with it tomorrow.


	2. Lesson 2 - No secrets from Winchesters

"Well, they got there" I said unconvincingly.

"They were going to kill me!" Crowley growled in response.

"Well they're like that with you though" I sighed, "Shut the door, Love"

He rolled his eyes, but closed our bedroom door behind him. "If you hadn't stepped in I'd be off looking for a new meatsuit" he grumbled.

"I know, now I just have to give them a week or so, they'll calm down and we'll all get on with it" I leant against my armchair to untie my laces and pull off my trainers. I looked back over at Crowley, who was all but pouting. I stood straight, rolling my eyes.

Crowley crossed the room to me, placing his hands on my hips. "I could do easily kill those boys'

"Yes, I'm sure you could - but they'd probably find a way around that like they always do. Besides, you're not allowed, I say so"

He sighed with a roll of his eyes, "The things I do for you, or, you know, don't do"

"Yes, well, you need me" I said, resting my hands on his arms.

"Mm, Love, I've always needed you" he smirked proudly. "But those boys" he growled.

"Well, I told you not to come"

"You'd been gone for hours!"

"I know, and we were coming to an understanding over it"

He rolled his eyes, crossing to the cabinet behind me, but not without pressing a quick kiss to my temple. I went over to the fireplace and sat down in my armchair, folding my legs beneath me. "Have we got any tea, Crowley?"

"Tea?"

"Yeah, have we got any?"

"Probably in the kitchen. Do you want some?"

"Yes please" I curled up into the comfy chair. I was still in my jeans, t-shirt and plaid shirt that I'd gone to see the Winchesters in. For the first time in weeks down in Hell I actually was able to wear my own clothes, my own comfortable, practical, reasonable clothes. I was quickly growing to hate wearing anything that resembled a suit, especially dresses. The shirt I was wearing wasn't even mine - it was one of Dean's, and come to think of it, the t-shirt had been Sam's first too. I cuddled into their old clothes, trying to forget the near death experience I'd just saved Crowley from. The boys thought he'd tricked me, or blackmailed me into becoming queen - I was half way through explaining what had actually happened when he appeared and started the Winchesters on a war path.

"I'll have someone bring it up"

"Thanks Crowley"

"Not a problem, Love" he came over and gently placed a kiss to the top of my head before sitting back in his armchair with a glass of craig.

We sat for a while in silence, heating up by the fire. I managed to curl myself in even tighter against the back of the chair, watching the flames flickering in the fireplace.

There was a knock on the door and Crowley went to get it. They're was a quiet discussion then Crowley shut the door and came back over to me, half sitting on the arm of my chair. "There you go, Love"

I took the mug of tea from him with a smile and a 'thank you' before taking a sip. "What was that about?"

"Just an update on the Alaska agreement, we'll have a meeting tomorrow - and give your boys some time to calm down."

I sighed, but nodded, sipping the hot tea.


	3. Lesson 3 - Take time to reflect

I had woke up to gentle breathing near my ear. Crowley had his arm wrapped around me, his elbow resting over my stomach, his hand just below my shoulder.  
My body slotted in against his perfectly, as if we were designed to fit together. Maybe Crowley had been right all this time - maybe i was destined for this. Whatever this was.

When I first met Crowley, he knew about me before we met - something I had grown used to by then. I could see he was a demon, guess he was at least slightly important and I'd presumed he'd come to size me up - to get an idea of his 'competition'. I was wrong. He introduced himself politely and offered to by me a drink. We actually had a lovely night. I mean, from the first second he started flirting with me, but that was nice. He was a demon, so what? I was sure at least part of me was too. It felt so normal - like something I would watch humans do; sit around in pubs and flirt and drink. It was something I'd never done with Balthazar or Gabriel. He brought that little bit of human normality into my life.

Crowley stirred in his sleep, cuddling closer to me, his head resting against the back of my neck. His hand made moved slightly when he'd pulled me closer, his thumb and first finger now sat at the base of me neck, his touch feather light. I closed my eyes again, trying to get back to sleep.

Thinking back, it had actually been months, nearly a year, after meeting Crowley that we'd slept together for the first time (well, that I'd count anyway - drunken fumbles don't count if you were to ask me). I'd really just been wanting some time alone - spending every waking moment to two energetic angels took it's toll. I loved them, very much so, but I needed a change of scenery - and some breathing space. I'd gone home with Crowley once before (soberly), but nothing had actually happened.

The first night I slept with Crowley was different for me. Obviously, sleeping with a demon and not an angel was going to be different, I knew that, but Crowley's personality was so different from Balthazar and Gabriel it made it different too. To put it bluntly, the angels I had slept with before (including Lucifer) were all very dominant, and me, in my naivety had presumed that that was simply how it was. Crowley showed me otherwise, which led to Gabriel and I switching about a lot, though Balthazar was never up for it, not that it bothered me.

Crowley was always something new for me, in every way. He showed me very human things, seeing as it was apparently very obvious how clueless I was. Crowley taught me the things that the angels didn't want to - about monsters and demons, about humanity and their history, about Purgatory and about power. He'd taught me about souls and the power that angels and demons alike can gather from them, something that had confused me endlessly. Crowley was the one who always kept me up to date with humanity, the trends and developments and inventions. Balthazar couldn't care less for it, and Gabriel only ever grew interested in those things if they had something to do with sweeties, chocolate, alcohol or sex. I'd still spent most of my time with Balthazar and Gabriel, but the odd day out with Crowley was always to be looked forward to.

Crowley muttered something in his sleep, his lips brushing against my skin for a moment. Crowley had changed since I met him. As he'd climbed through the ranks in Hell, he'd become more confidant - not just in Hell, but in the way he approached humans, how he acted on Earth, how he acted with me, it all changed as his confidence grew. But I liked it, confidence suited him.

I could feel myself beginning to finally drift off. I'd woken up an hour or so ago for no real reason, and hadn't been able to get back to sleep since. It happened all the time, irrigardless of where I was sleeping, in the bunker, a motel or in Hell, it didn't matter, I woke in the middle of the night all two frequently. Careful not to wake Crowley, I turned to lie on my other side. He shifted in his sleep, managing to wrap both his arms around me. I cuddled in, tucking my head under his chin and arranging myself to be as close to him as possible. Mercifully, it wasn't long until i was asleep again.


	4. Lesson 4 - Crowley can fuck off

I stormed back into our room, Crowley trailing behind me. "Mavriel, I'm sorry-"

"I was handling it" I snapped, "You didn't need to step in" I had fair reason to be pissed off, I was halfway through negotiating a deal with a group of vampires when they'd started to get ballsy; I was handling it but Crowley had stepped in anyway and taken over the deal. So, yeah, I had a fair reason to be pissed at him - I needed people to see that I was capable on my own.

To his credit, Crowley kept his voice soft and level as he tried to argue his point, that he'd been right to interrupt - which he hadn't "I was just trying to help - they're vampires, you don't know what they're like"

"I don't know what they're like?" I almost screamed at him, "I've been hunting vampires for years! I know exactly what they're like"

"To be fair, Mav, you've _hunted_ vampires, not-"

"Don't even start." I snapped, turning away from him as I stripped off and changed into my pyjamas before crawling into bed.

Crowley went to join me but I gave him a glare, "What do you think you're doing ?"

"I…?" well if anything was going to make this worth it, it was the look on Crowley's face. He looked completely shocked - he was frozen on the spot, his eyes wide, confused if not slightly upset.

"Fuck off - I'm pissed at you, go sleep on a sofa somewhere" i growled, turning my back to him.

"Mav, Love - I'm sorry. I shouldn't have butted in, you were handling it perfectly, I'm sorry. Can we put this behind us please?"

I huffed, pulling the duvet further up over my shoulder, "I'm still pissed at you"

He sighed quietly. "I understand that, but it's over now, the deal's still settled either way"

"Still pissed off Crowley"

"I _swear_ , the next deal I will keep my mouth closed, I won't say a word, I'll leave it all to you unless you ask me otherwise"

I considered it a second, still pouting to myself, "…better"

"I am sorry, honestly. I didn't mean to step on your toes, I realise now that I was wrong."

"Mmm"

"Mavriel, I love you, I'm sorry"

"Oh, get in and quit the pity party"

"Thank you Love" in seconds he was under the covers beside me, tentatively trying to cuddle in closer to me. For one night at least, I decided I'd leave him be nervous.


	5. Lesson 5 - Apologies are okay

I woke up with Crowley lying close to me with his hand on my waist and a definite gap between us, unlike usual, where he'd press himself as close to me as possible at any chance he could get. Cleary, I'd shocked him slightly last night when I told him he wasn't allowed to sleep in bed with me - I'd never said anything like that before, never ever had I dared to kick him out of (what was technically) his own bed. But I'd been pissed off, really pissed off - more so than I'd been in a very long time.

Crowley had mentioned that he'd seen my attitude changing since I started more or less living in Hell - he said I seemed more uptight, more tense. I passed it off as getting used to the workload, the meetings and other formalities, but maybe he was right. My power had grown since being in Hell, and I saw no reason as to why that would change my attitude.

I lost my train of thought as I decided I was uncomfortable and rolled over onto my other side, simultaneously turning to look at Crowley. His eyes were closed, his breathing shallow as he 'slept' - I still didn't completely understand how he slept; angels and demons were the same, they didn't need to sleep. He'd tried to explain it once, it was like deep meditation, dreamless, thoughtless, conserving and gathering energy.

I snuggled in close to him, now feeling slightly guilty for my outburst last night - I was overly harsh, uncharacteristically so. The look on his face was burned into my memory, that look of panic and confusion. _"What do you think you're doing?"_ I'd made a mistake in snapping at him like that. "I'm sorry" I mumbled, burying my face against his chest, "'m sorry"

I fell back asleep, curled up against him. I woke to his strong arms holding me close, the covers wrapped tightly around us. It was so warm under the covers with Crowley, warm and comfortable and _nice_. I snuggled closer to him, as close as I could. It'd been strange not sleeping with him like a second skin, I joked that he suffocated me at night, but it was a lie - I loved being so close to another person, anyone, but particularly Crowley.

"Morning, Love" he whispered softly.

"Morning"

"I see you've come round then" he joked tentatively.

"Yeah, I'm sorry"

He caught the edge of the covers in his fingers and pulled it closer in against me, I reached behind him and did the same, "There's no need to apologise Mav, I understand why you were upset"

"No, look, I shouldn't have been such a bitch last night - I had no right to talk to you like that!"

He smiled and pressed a kiss to my forehead, "It's alright. You're allowed to be a bit of a diva every now and again, Love"

"Oh , I'm a diva now?" I laughed quietly.

"You're a Queen, and from time to time, you're going to be moody and grumpy and irritated, but that's okay. I don't expect you to be sweet and cute all the time, besides, it's not who you really are, is it?" He brushed my hair back from my face.

"I suppose not" I smiled. The only way we could have gotten physically any closer to each other would have been if we were fucking. Our chests pressed together, squishing my boobs a bit, but it was oddly comfortable. Withy Crowley being a bit chubbier than me (in an attractive way, obviously), his tummy pushing gently against mine, and lower, I could feel his half hard cock against my thigh. I'd never been more comfortable in my life, I never wanted to move again.

"Mmm," I sighed, "Do we have to get up?"

He laughed quietly, "Not for some time yet, Darling"


	6. Lesson 6 - Incorporate Hunter and Queen

_I grunted in pain, one hand coming down on my injured side as the other shot out and threw the monster across the room. Dean ran in, recovering from being tossed through a wall, with Sam in tow - both hunters shooting. It wasn't long until the creature was dead. I breathed deeply, standing tall again. "You alright?" Dean called, crossing the room._

 _"I'm fine, it barely grazed me" I smiled, brushing it off, while using my powers to keep pressure on my wound while I tried to wipe my blood off my hand._

 _Sam smiled down at me, "It's good to have you back on a hunt Mav" he said, leaning down to hug me with one arm._

 _"It's been good to be back, boys"_

 _"Buuut...?" Dean said, eyebrows raised expectantly as he predicted an excuse to come from me._

 _"But I need to get back to Hell" I answered, resigned - as guilty as I felt for leaving before we could go out and celebrate._

 _"It's alright," he shook his head, "we figured you'd have to"_

 _"I'll be back soon, just a few things I have to do - I_ promise _" I told them as Dean pulled me into a hug._ _They smiled, both standing close and looking down at me, it was humbling to feel so small. But I had to go. Quickly I kissed them both and promised again to see them soon, then I left._

Standing in the cold palace, I winced, sucking in a breath, "Crowley!" I called, standing in one of the many corridors of the palace, my hands clamped to my bleeding side. There was no answer, none at all. I screamed, " _Crowley!_ "

He was in front of me, eyes wide, eyebrows furrowed, "What's wrong?"

I spoke through clenched teeth, "A little hunting injury, help me back to our room"

"Jesus woman" he muttered, but sent us back anyway. "Let me see" he demanded. I collapsed into my armchair. slouched, sucking in air. Slowly I peeled back my jacket and shirt, allowing a clear view of my torn t-shirt and gaping wound. He growled to himself, "For _fuck_ sake"

"Oh, piss off"

"Oh, _I've_ to piss off? That's good seeing as _you're_ the one lying here _bleeding out!_ "

"Just shut up and fix it" I mumbled weakly, closing my eyes for a moment.

"No, Love," he said softly, "keep up the attitude, let's me know you're still with me"

I laughed, "Shut up" He braced me in his arms as he pulled of my jacket and shirt, pulled up my top and produced a damp cloth from nowhere to start cleaning the injury. I grinned to myself, "Christ, you could at least be gentle"

He muttered, a grin growing across his features, "You know you like it when I play rough"

"No, you're getting confused - _I_ play rough and _you_ lie there and _take it_ " I teased with a slight growl. He caught his bottom lip between his teeth, looking up at me from under his eyebrows, "What? You know I'm right"

"Of course, Love" he muttered sarcastically.

Weakly I slapped him across the head; using my power outside of Hell had left me exhausted. "I deserve more respect than that"

"Oh yes, of course - the Queen of Hell who goes _swanning off_ with the two most _ridiculous_ hunters alive and get's herself half _killed_ -"

"Don't exaggerate"

"-then turns up bleeding and screaming for me, _me_ no less, deserves more respect! From _me_! Well I never!" he mocked.

"You fucking done yet?" I grumbled tiredly.

"Almost, Love" Crowley had cleaned the ragged wound well despite it's difficulties. He folded the cloth so that the clean side faced outward, and pressed it against the injury. He clicked his fingers and produced a thick gauze and rolled bandage. "Sit forward" I pushed myself to sit straight, only worrying slightly over how much energy it took to do so. With the utmost care, he bandaged me up - being more gentle with me than I could ever really remember anyone having been. When he was done, he looked up at me, "Is there anything _else_ I need to take care of?" he asked seriously, then smiled.

"No, I think that's all"

"Thank goodness for that" he stood and offered me a hand, which I took and got to my feet - only to stumble forward into him. He caught me in his arms and held me up. "Maybe not, Love" He scooped me up and carried me over to our bed, placing me down gently, so I was partially sitting up against the pillows. Crowley sat down next to me, carefully helping me sit forward a moment until he'd moved to let me sit back against his chest. Softly, he stroked my hair, "Why on Earth didn't Moose and Squirrel take care of you after you finished of the hunt?" he grumbled.

I mumbled a response "They didn't know I was hurt"

" _What?_ They didn't notice the blood running down your side, or the fact that you could barely _walk_ from pain?!"

"Hush, I told them I was fine, I pretended I wasn't hurt"

Crowley frowned and stared at me, "... and why in Hell would you do that?"

"Look, it was the first hunt I've gone on since I became queen - I've been out of the game for a while, then I messed up and got injured. I didn't want them thinking I'd gotten slow or anything. I just wanted to go on a hunt, take out some monster and celebrate with the boys, like _old times_. Only I didn't get much celebrating in, you know... I just wanted to show them I could still do the job"

He sighed and shook his head, he teased, "Are you trying to tell me, Mavriel, that you were trying to show off for some boys?"

I looked up a him, "Shut up"

He gave a dramatic sigh, winding me up, "These young ones, when will they learn? It's not all about impressing the eye candy"

I rolled my eyes, "I wasn't trying to impress them..."

"Oh no, of course not" he bit back sarcastically, smirking. He leant over and pressed a kiss to the side of my head, "Get some sleep, Love, you need it"

"Hmph" I curled up against his chest and closed my eyes, knowing I'd been sleeping soon enough.


	7. Lesson 7 - Try out new things

NSFW - slight smut mentions/ references - brief mention of s**t word

XXX

Crowley huffed, pulling his trousers back up and sitting back on the edge of our bed, his back to me. I had to bite my lip to stop myself from laughing again, I slipped my hands out of the rope that had (loosely) bound my wrists, I sat up, pushing the assortment of toys Crowley had left lying beside me off the bed, then I quickly untied the ropes from around my ankles, "I'm sorry" I told him as I crawled across the bed, picking up his shirt and pulling it on, buttoning a few buttons near the middle. I knelt behind him, "Crowley, honey, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have laughed, I didn't mean it." I rested my hands on his shoulders.

He let out another huff and crossed his arms. I rolled my eyes but hugged him around his tummy, resting my chin on his shoulder, "I'm sorry, Crowley. I didn't mean to laugh at you. I'm sorry, Darling, please forgive me"

He grumbled, looking away from me, "You _laughed_ at me"

"Yes, I know, and I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you, please. I'm so sorry, Crowley" I kissed his shoulder, "Pleeeaaase, I'm sorry"

"You _said_ " he grumbled.

"Yes, I know - I'm sorry, Darling. Come on, come back"

"I'm not in the mood anymore"

 _Thank God_ , I thought. I moved to his side before straddling his thighs. I looped arms around his neck and kissed his cheek, "I didn't mean to laugh, I promise I didn't" He rolled his eyes. He glared up at the ceiling, wrapping his arms around my back to make sure I didn't slip off his lap. "Crowley, come on"

He turned his eyes back to me, meeting mine as he frowned a little, "Why did you laugh?"

"Look, it doesn't matter, Darling, I'm sorry-"

"Yes, I know that - but I want to know why you laughed"

I bit my lip for a moment, as I started to speak I traced my fingers over the tattoos that had come with his meatsuit. "Don't get upset, Darling. You were doing very well, I swear-"

"Even though you got out of those ropes with no effort at all" he grumbled quietly.

"I was really trying to be good for you but, I can't take you seriously." He frowned deeply, all but pouting, "It's just because I know that you would never actually risk hurting me for real - there's no danger, no risk. You're scared to leave a bruise on me when we fuck normally. You just- You were just... You just can't Dom for me. Okay? It doesn't work"

"...so, Gabriel, Balthazar - they could actually hurt you?" he asked, a little confused.

"Just a little, enough to leave bruises and marks and sore spots for a few days, but it was fun, it was worth it. And days later I could look back and see the marks they'd left - it was just a little thing to be proud of" I told him softly.

"And I'm... None of that hurt? Not even a little?"

"Darling, you were about here" I held my hand flat at waist height, "and my limit is up here" I raised my hand above my head. "I could see you were pushing yourself just there, I don't want to make you uncomfortable. Crowley, it's only going to be fun if we're both enjoying ourselves. Let's not push this, okay? We gave it a shot, but clearly it wasn't working."

Crowley sighed, "Oh I hate it when you're right and I'm wrong"

"You're not _wrong_ " I kissed him, "But I _am_ right"

He huffed, laughing quietly, "You still haven't told me exactly why you laughed"

I held back a laugh, "Um, Crowley, Darling, you called me your 'good little cum slut' - it's possibly the funniest thing that's ever came out of your mouth"

He rolled his eyes but I could see he was ever so slightly embarrassed. I laughed again, quieter, placing kissed along his jaw. He pulled me closer to him, saying sarcastically, "Well thank you anyway Mav, for the opportunity - and for getting to see you all tied up and spread for me, at least I've got that imagine to keep forever"

"Well I'm glad I could do that for you" I said, grinning.

Crowley sighed, holding me tight as he lay back down. He pressed a series of short sweet kisses to my lips before pulling the covers up over us both. "You look gorgeous in my shirt, Love"

"And you look amazing without it" I laughed. I rested my head on his chest, my whole body lying on top of his. It took a while but eventually I fell asleep.


	8. Lesson 8 - A little TLC goes far

I'd returned to our room early, a killer headache forcing me to leave the meeting too soon. I sat on the end of our bed, doubled over, my head almost on my knees as I massaged my temples, trying to work out the gnawing pain. I couldn't have said that I heard the door opening, or Crowley walking into the room. He crawled onto the bed, settling himself with a knee on in either side of me.

Gently, he massaged down my back, "Are you alright Love?"

"My head's sore" I mumbled, sitting up a little straighter.

"Aw, my poor lamb"

I cringed, "Don't - don't use that word, please, it was Lucifer's thing, and..." I shuddered.

"Sorry, sorry - never again, I swear" he mumbled, kissing my neck.

"Appreciated" I smiled, turning to kiss him softly.

We sat for a while longer, gentle touches and gently placed kisses interluding our easy conversation. Eventually I pushed myself up to change into my pyjamas. I unbuttoned and shrugged off my dress shirt, Crowley suddenly appeared behind me, hands on my waist. His rough hands traveled up my sides to my back, where he unclasped by bra, slipping it off down my arms.

"Crowley?"

He didn't say a word, just proceeded to unbutton and unzip my tight pencil skirt. I stepped out of it, still in my heels and pants as I turned to look at Crowley, "What are you doing, darling?"

"What? This? I was just giving you a hand, Love" he said with an 'innocent' look.

"Uh-hu, if you say so"

He smiled, admiring me. He stepped forward, wrapping his arms arms around me, the rich fabric of his suit felt so soft against my skin. I let out a quiet hum as I buried my head into the crook of his neck. Putting my arms around his shoulders, I lazily played with his hair. "Go and lie down, I'll be a moment"

I rolled my eyes but continued to do as I'd been told, lying in the centre of our bed on my stomach, my arms folded in front of me. Crowley reentered the room from our en suite, a tub in his hand. "What are you doing, Darling?"

"Wait and find out" he pulled off his jacket and proceeded to strip down to his boxers, ditching his clothes on the floor next to mine before crawling onto our bed and straddling my thighs.

"Crowley...? What are you up to?"

I could smell something sweet and fruity, and it took me a moment until I realised he had my body butter. I laughed quietly to myself. He'd put some of it onto his hands and started to rub my back. The cream was cool on my skin. He massaged my shoulders, leaning over me and pressing kissed to my neck. "I just want to help you relax, Mav, nothing less innocent than that"

"Mm, if you say so" I mumbled, closing my eyes. I heard him laughing, "You're going to put me to sleep" I joked quietly.

"Well, you do need the rest, Love"

I laughed into the duvet, "What are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying, Mavriel, that your royal duties are a lot to manage, I would know, and you're still getting used to them and it's tiring you out, Love"

"You know, I want to argue with that, but I really can't" I sighed, smiling.

"Then don't - just relax, Mav"

"Okay, okay" I mumbled, shifting slightly and getting settled, allowing my muscles to relax completely as Crowley worked at them. I sighed contentedly, letting out a small hum every now and again; Crowley was so good at this. His fingers smoothed over the outline of each one of my scars - four, vaguely oval shaped scars, one in each corner almost, where two sets of wings had once been; the wide burnt scar that spread across my back, a smooth line at the top, with long trailing sections coming down from the bottom, the imprint of Gabriel's wing; a dozen little scars too - nicks and scratches and near misses from hunting alongside Sam, Dean and Cas. Crowley moved down my back with his hands until he hit the waist band of my underwear. He shuffled down further, taking more body butter in each hand before starting on the back of my thighs - again he traced more scars; vampire, demon, wendigo, witch, werewolf, shape shifter. Most of them were small, barely visible, but Crowley saw then, studied them and loved them.

He knelt up, leaning over me to press a kiss to the side of my neck, "There you go, Love - just give it a moment to dry in, then we can have a nice long sleep. I've cleared tomorrow's schedule, figured you'd maybe like a day out - even if you want to go see Moose and Squirrel that's fine with me. You decide, it's completely up to you."

I sat up a little, looking over my shoulder at Crowley, "What's brought this on?"

"Nothing" he grinned, kissing me before getting up. I started to get up but he quickly told me to stay still until the body butter set in. I smiled and lay back down. Once it had dried, Crowley dressed me in a new, satin nightdress and cuddled me tight, wrapping us both in the soft bed covers until we fell asleep.


	9. Lesson 9 - Crowley holds a grudge

NSFW - smut

XXX

I lay on my stomach on our bed, trying to relax now that all of the day's tasks were complete. As soon as I'd gotten back, I changed into an old lose t-shirt (that had once upon a time belonged to Sam) and pair of pants that served as my pyjamas. I was browsing through a website that seemed to sell pretty much anything, and a lot of it was very pretty, and unfortunately very expensive. I knew if I asked Crowley to buy me anything he would, but fuck, if that didn't make me feel like a gold digger.

He was just on his way back to our room, he'd had one small thing to take care of before joining me. Eventually he did, greeting me sweetly as he shut the door, kicking off his shoes. He stripped down to his boxers before joining me in bed. He sat up against the head board, and I'd moved to sit between his legs, resting my shoulders against his stomach. Idly he played with my hair, his mind a million miles away. We sat comfortably in silence for some time before Crowley spoke again, "Mav, Love"

I hummed, "Yeah?"

"I was wondering if you could do me a favour, Darling?"

"As long as you don't want to try to be Dom again, you're a shit Dom" I teased tiredly.

"Oh haha, very funny"

"Well, it's true."

He looked at me seriously, "... Can you let me see your wings?"

I twisted round, putting down my phone and sitting up slightly, "Really? Why?"

"I've just been thinking about it that's all"

"No, I don't believe you - it's never 'that's all' when it comes to my wings. You've seen them before, why do you want to see them now?"

He fiddled with my hair, softly pulling it through his fingers, "I... heard that... I heard that the angels can see your wings without you showing them to them. It just made me consider how long I've been missing them"

I couldn't help but smile, "You know the angels can't see my wings at all times, right? Just on occasion. It's not like they're always there and its just you who can't see them"

He nodded, "Well that does make me feel slightly better"

I laughed quietly, "But you still want to see, don't you?"

"Yes"

"Well, okay then" I sat up with my back to him and pulled off my top - the illusion between the physical world and my wings (though they were technically physical but let's not go there right now) was enough to confuse anyone. I sat between Crowley's legs, wearing only my underwear.

I closed my eyes and after a second, I could feel my wings against my back. Anytime I saw them I couldn't help but feel disappointed by then - I could only imagine how incredible I must have looked in that Cage, with all three sets of wings, as it should be. But now there was one set alone. They weren't like Balthazar's or Castiel's, large and strong - nothing at all like Gabriel's, his wings were glorious - no, I'd been left with but a third of the strength I'd originally been given. Yes, my wings were large, they're grown since coming to Earth for the first time, to try to make up for my loss, but they weren't anything compared to any angel.

"They're beautiful" Crowley muttered, and I had a hard time accepting such a compliment, "Can I touch then?"

My eyes widened slightly, "Geez, Crowley - where are your manners?"

"What?"

"You can't just ask to touch someone's wings it's... It's not... appropriate"

"I don't understand - you said before that you and Gabriel used to touch each others wings"

"That's different! We were... incredibly close to each other"

He frowned, "Aren't we?"

"And we both had wings! You don't. You've never touched a set of wings before, it's, it's... God, I can't explain this!"

"I don't see what's wrong with me touching your wings" he said, sounding offended.

"No, it's not you, I promise - I wouldn't let anyone whose not an angel touch my wings, because no one else understands how they work" I put my hand on his thigh, "I promise you I'm not singling you out, Crowley, I swear"

"Couldn't you teach me how they work?"

"Well, yes, but..."

"But?"

"But it's... It's like having sex for the first time with zero prior knowledge and trying not to hurt the other person - that's the best way I can describe it, only you wouldn't get any sensation from it, obviously"

"I see"

"I really don't think you do" I laughed nervously.

"Just tell me what to do, Love" I could hear the eagerness in his voice.

I sighed, trying to convince myself that this could actually turn out to be a stress free event. "Okay... Okay. Um," I unfurled my wings slightly, "you can start at the tips, the largest feathers. Just be really gentle please"

"Of course, Mav" his touch was so slight I could barely feel it, which ended up just being frustrating. I wanted to press against his touch but I knew Crowley wouldn't understand that.

"Just" I said through half clenched teeth, "Just not quite as light"

With more confidence he stroked his fingers over my largest on either wing, and I hummed in contentment. "Better, Love?"

"Much"

"They're so soft, so beautiful" he praised. "Can I continue?"

I nodded, "Just, as you go on, the smaller the feather, the more sensitive it is, okay?"

"Okay, Mav"

He moved his fingers along her wings. Something Gabriel had never done was what Crowley was doing now, stroking both wings at the same time. It wasn't bad, it didn't feel wrong, but it was new, and unexpected. As he continued, he threaded his fingers between my feathers, gently dreading his nails over my sensitive wings. I arched my back towards him.

"Are you okay?"

"Carefully," I breathed, "just keep going, but carefully" I grated out. It wasn't sore, it didn't hurt, but as Crowley racked his fingers through my feathers I could feel myself getting more and more wound up. I'd said it was like sex for a reason.

He continued this time without asking, clearly becoming more confident. He was more gentle this time as he moved on, thankfully, sparing me slightly. Gabriel had always been so gentle, as had Balthazar, and Cas. They're always been soft with me, regarding my wings anyway.

Crowley continued his way along my wings, heading for the centre of my back. I gently reminded him about smaller feathers being more sensitive and he acknowledged me, but his touches didn't grow any lighter. I bit down on my bottom lip, trying not to make a sound. I debated for a moment whether Crowley knew what he was doing our not, because if this was intentional he had another thing coming.

I gripped the duvet in my fists, trying to breathe deeply. "Are you okay, Love?" Crowley asked again, a new smugness in his voice.

"Yes" I hissed, my eyes closing as I tried to concentrate.

"Do you feel good? Do I make you feel good, Mavriel?" _Oh fuck. That arsehole!_

"Yes, Crowley"

He rubbed his thumbs in circles on my wings, nearing the base but not there yet. "Are you going to be good for me?"

I bit my lip, trembling, "Mm, yes, my King"

"Good girl" he kissed down my spine, and I could feel his breath on my wings.

"Ohh-mmm, Crowley" I knew his game now, and I'd be damned if I didn't want to simply play along. "Fuck, Crowley"

"I thought you said you were going to be good, Love" he growled as he continued to stroke my wings.

My entire body had grown tense, my fists hurt with how tightly I was gripping the sheets. Suddenly Crowley moved his hands away and my body shuddered uncontrollably. "W-why...?" My wings fluttered almost violently as I tried my hardest to control them and not hurt Crowley with their strength.

"Kneel up" he ordered.

I groaned quietly, pushing myself up onto my knees. I knelt there silently for a moment, waiting, until Crowley gripped my hips and pulled me back to him, until my wings were nearly against his chest. He knocked my knees further apart. He slid on leg between mine and bent it until his knee hit against my clothed crotch. I let out a whimper. He took hold of the fabric on either side of my hips, and tore my underwear in two, tossing the shredded fabric aside.

"Now" Crowley growled in my ear, "I'm going to touch your wings, and you will get yourself off, you are not allowed to touch yourself, do you understand?" I nodded, "Choose a safe word in case you need me to stop."

I thought for a moment, "Impala"

I flinched as he smacked my ass, "That's for thinking of anything to do with those boys at a time like this."

"You know how to use the colour code, don't you?"

"Yes - green is continue, yellow is slow down, red is stop" I recited quickly.

"Good girl" he ran his fingertips over my feathers, making me press back against him.

"On you go" he purred in my ear, "Make yourself cum" his finger weaved deftly between my smallest feathers, making me cry out, grinding against his thigh. My hands went to the inside of my own thighs, desperate to touch my clit at the very least.

"I said no touching." He growled, "Maybe I wasn't clear enough, so I'll forgive you this time, but not again. Do you understand?" I nodded, removing my hands "Colour?"

"Green" I whined. His fingers unrelenting on my wings.

"Now be a good girl" I nodded, "If you feel that you won't be able to stop yourself from being naughty and disobeying me, you can hold on to me instead" I nodded, thankfully. Crowley put more pressure behind his touches and I thought my legs might lose the ability to hold me up. With one hand I held on to his knee, with the other I reached back and held on to his shoulder. "Good girl" he purred.

I ground against him, wanting to cum so badly. He moved his fingers to the very base of my wings and I quickly pulled away, my legs clamping on either side of his as my eyes squeezed shut. My nails digging in to his skin, "Yellow, yellow, yellow" I whimpered.

"Hush, it's okay, you're okay" he softly ran his fingers over the same spot. "Is that better?" I nodded, "Colour, Mavriel"

"Green" I breathed. He continued as he was, slowly getting quicker and quicker.

"Please" I whimpered, "Crowley, please, please" I was so close, but I just couldn't bring myself over the edge.

"What do you want?"

"I want to be touched, please, please" I was shaking now, so damn close.

"Okay. Stay still" I froze, remaining as still as I could as I trembled. He wrapped one arm around my stomach and pulled me right back until my wings were flush against his chest. "Is this alright?"

"Yes. Green" I panted.

He moved his other hand down between my legs, and slid two fingers inside. I let out a short scream. I pushed against him, clinging on to him. He pumped his fingers quickly and I came in mere seconds, clamping around his fingers as I did. Once I had finished, I slumped back against him. Panting for breath, my body still trembling for a few seconds at a time. Crowley pulled his fingers out of me I gasped. My entire body was in a haze of painful pleasure. My eyes closed as I let my head fall back to rest against his shoulder. He sweetly kissed along my shoulder.

He lifted me up, letting me stretch out my cramped legs. He sat me between his legs, stroking my hair until I had relaxed completely. He accidentally brushed against my wings and I flinched at their sensitivity. "Hush, Love, you can hide your wings now if that will help" I nodded, waiting for a moment as I managed to gain enough focus to hide my wings again.

"Well," Crowley said softly, "am I still a shit Dom?"

I laughed, "Are you kidding me? That's what this was about?"

"Well... Yes"

"You're so bloody petty" I laughed tiredly.

"Just get some sleep, Love, you need it after that."

"Oh if you think I actually still have the ability to move right now you are sorely mistaken"

He laughed softly, but wrapped his arms around me, and slid down in bed until we were lying with me on top of him. I rolled over until I lay on my stomach, on his chest.

He clicked his fingers and we were all cleaned up, with the covers over us. I rested my head over his heart and moments later I was sound asleep.


	10. Lesson 10 - Crowley is an honest drunk

I stood under the warm stream of water from the shower head, washing the shampoo out of my hair. It was nice to get some time to myself, Crowley said he was going out for the night - we'd spent all day in meetings, separately. For some reason everything of urgency seemed to have to be done today, no options. So we'd got on with it, barely stopping for a minute as we strived to get everything done. In the whole day we'd had one meeting together, and it had lasted no more then twenty minutes. It was odd not being with him at all times.

I smiled to myself, enjoying the scent of the expensive soap Crowley had bought me. I closed my eyes as I tilted my head back under the water.

"Mavriel!"

My eyes snapped open to find Crowley standing in front of me, a wide smile on his face as he stepped forward and pulled me into a hug. "Hi Crowley" I said, still processing what was going on as I braced him at his waist.

He snuggled close to me, nuzzling his face against my shoulder as he hummed happily. "Mmm, Mav"

I blinked in confusion, "Crowley are you drunk?"

He stepped back, "No!" he declared, then hiccuped twice, giggled and grinned, "Well maybe" he slurred.

"Uh-hu" I nodded, suppressing my laughter, "Okay Darling, well you're in the shower and you're fully clothed, so either get out of the shower, or take that suit off before you get it soaked"

He nodded, slowly understanding seemed to come to him. "Alright" he pulled off his tie and gave it to me as he started to try to unbutton his shirt.

Tilting the shower head to the other side, I pulled back the shower curtain and dropped the damp tie in the sink. I turned back to find him attempting to take off his shirt, having not yet finished unbuttoning it or having removed his jacket first. I couldn't help but smile, "Crowley, Love, let me help, okay?"

"Okay" he nodded, watching me with doey eyes.

I finished unbuttoning his shirt then pulled of his shirt and jacket in one go, putting them in the sink as well, silently hoping he had nothing important in the pockets. As I turned back to him I was enveloped in another hug, Crowley kissed my cheek over and over again, pulling me closer to him - until I stepped forward to try to regain my balance, lost my footing and slipped, dragging the two of us to the floor, as I gripped the shower curtain and pulled it and the rail down. Crowley landed solidly on top of me. I groaned.

"I'm sorry, are you okay?" he asked immediately, his words slurring together - he pushed himself up onto his hands and knees, looking concerned.

"No, I'm fine Darling, it wasn't your fault"

"I'm sorry" he repeated.

I smiled as I sat up, pressing a kiss to his cheek, "You don't need to apologise, Crowley" He knelt back as I twisted to sit up on my knees, "Right, let me get these" I said, resting my hands on the waist of his trousers, that were now, more or less soaked through.

"I can do it" he mumbled, smiling. A few moments later I could tell that he couldn't. I clicked my fingers and his trousers, boxers, socks and shoes suddenly dropped to the bathroom floor.

"Oh" he looked up to me, surprised, "I forgot you could..." he grinned, holding my hips and shuffling to me, giving me a sloppy kiss. The water ran over us, sticking his hair to his forehead and cascading over our shoulders, down our backs.

"Why are you drunk?" I asked softly, smiling at him as I ran my fingers through his hair.

"I had a very long day" he slurred, "I was going to make some deals but I ended up in a pub and it seemed like a good idea"

"Okay, honey" I kissed him softly, "Come on, let's go to bed"

He nodded as I stood and took his hands to help him up, being careful of my footing as I stepped out, and helped Crowley out too. I wrapped a large towel around him, picking up another one for myself as well as a smaller one for my hair - I wrapped the larger towel around me, then the smaller one around my hair. Then I led him to bed and sat him on the edge, fetching his pyjamas for him. I helped him get dry and into his pyjamas before drying myself off, then dressed in my old, over sized t-shirt and crawled into bed.

Crowley immediately snuggled into me, hugging me close. He hummed contentedly, nuzzling into my shoulder and wrapping his arms around my back to squeeze me tight. He mumbled something against my shoulder, "What was that, Darling?"

Moving an inch he repeated, "I love you. I love you very, very much"

I felt my heart melt. Cupping his cheek, I turned his head and captured his lips in a passionate kiss, my hands trailed over his shoulders, down his chest. They found a hold of his pyjama shirt and they held him there. He clutched at my arms, my sides and back, trying to keep himself as close to me as possible. I broke the kiss, gazing at him as he lovingly stared back. "You love me too, don't you?"

I nodded once, closing my eyes and leaning my forehead against his.

"It's okay, I know you do - you just can't say it. That's okay, I understand. I know you love me." Crowley smiled, and rested his head back against my shoulder, and promptly fell asleep, leaving me smiling to myself as I waited too for sleep.


	11. Lesson 11 - Change isn't bad

"Achoo!" _crash_ "Achoo! ACHOO!" _smash_

Crowley winced, handing me another tissue and rubbing my back. "There, there, Love"

"Sorry" I groaned, wiping my nose with the clean tissue. I cringed looking around our room at the mess - there were cracks in the wall, smashed glasses and pictures throughout the room along with various other items that were now broken or obliterated. We didn't really know what was going on - yes, every now and again I got angry and things broke around me, we'd grown used to that; but this was just a cold. At first nothing had happened, I sneezed and nothing did anything and it was normal, but now, well, this wasn't normal any more.

"It's alright Mav, don't worry about it - we'll get it sorted out" I groaned, the back of my throat feeling scratchy and uncomfortable. "In fact, Love, I was having a think about our little predicament"

I looked at him, "Yeah?"

"Well, perhaps the, um, destructiveness, comes from the fact that your power comes from Hell"

I blinked, trying to think his thought through, "Sorry, you're going to have to explain that further"

He nodded, "Well, with you being in Hell more or less constantly, you're..." he paused, looking for the best phrasing, "It's as if your being plugged into the mains at all times - you're overcharging, and from time to time, your power comes out in... _unexpected_ ways"

I nodded slowly, beginning to understand what he was getting at, "So what do we do?"

He shrugged, "Unplug"

"Leave Hell?" I asked, fear creeping into my mind. I'd become so adjusted to Hell that I couldn't think of leaving for any real length of time - Hell had slowly become my home.

Crowley placed his hand on my thigh, gently telling me, "Yes - I've got plenty of places on Earth that we can move to. You'd be safe, and you would be out of Hell, away from that constant energy source. And hopefully the, em, more _destructive_ incidents would become less frequent?"

I nodded, thinking about it, considering my options. Then I smiled, "I love how you use big words to try not to offend me"

"Can you blame me?"

I laughed, "No"

He placed a gentle kiss to the side of my head, "I'll get thing organised then"

XXXXX

Well,if I had thought my coronation was an ordeal, I had no words for what moving from Hell back up to Earth was. It was essentially a military operation. Crowley had everything to hand but I just found the whole thing stressful - there was too much going on, and the longer I stayed in Hell the more things I ended up breaking. I ended up moving back in to the bunker for a while.

Sam and Dean were more than happy to put me up - it wasn't like anything had changed, even my old room was exactly as I'd left it, and within a day or so I managed to stop breaking thing, very quickly after my cold went away too. All in all I stayed with the Winchesters again for a fortnight straight, for three days they were away on a hunt, but the old bunker was so familiar and homey to me, I didn't mind staying back alone. It was so quiet in the bunker - even when Sam and Dean were home. I'd grown so used to the hassle and bustle of Hell, the constant sound of footsteps, of guards talking, the general _hum_ of Hell's energy, that the bunker held a serene kind of silence that I hadn't realised that I'd missed. When we were all there, we ate together, sat together, stayed up and drank and laughed together - it was like old times, less complicated times.

Of course I had to move in to our new building on Earth. Crowley had come to the bunker to help me with my things, as uncomfortably as Sam and Dean took it. They were both very clear that they thought I should be able to come round more often seeing as I was now residing on Earth, rather than in Hell, and we were living to the same time scale as each other. With a little prompting, Crowley agreed. The boys of course understood I still had my duties as Queen, and there would be times I would still be too busy to catch up.

The new building looked like nothing from the outside, and I liked that - but inside, the decor had a sharp resemblance to Hell, a little more comforting perhaps, a little less threatening. It was like the entire place had taken on a softness that had only been found in our bedroom before. And then there was our bedroom. Crowley had pulled out all the stops, everything was luxurious, everything looked expensive. I felt like I'd walked in to some 5 star honeymoon sweet reserved only for God himself! Two solid oak doors stood like soldiers on either side of the queen sixed, four poster bed; it's heavy curtains tied back with think cords. The dark wooden floor was mostly covered by a wide Persian rug, detailed in reds and gold. To one side was a large writing desk, to the other was a huge bookcase, filled with all kinds of books, some I recognised, other I could tell were expensive rare copies. On one wall was a cluster of photographs in frames, all pictures of us together, most of which I recognised from either Crowley's phone or my own. As I stepped further into the room, I spotted the dog bed by the side of the desk, where Juliet was lying curled up - she looked up at me as I spotted her and rolled onto her back, watching me upside down.

I turned to Crowley - who had just set down the last of my things. "This is incredible" I told him.

He grinned, proudly, "You like it then?"

"Yes!" I crossed the room back to him and hugged him, "This is ridiculous, Crowley. It's so..." I shook my head, lost for words.

"A treat, for us. Somewhere just for us, somewhere we deserve - we are royality, we deserve all of this" He kissed me softly, running his hands over my arms before holding me tight.

I was so over the top. After spending time back in the bunker, my humble home - this was the complete opposite. But I appreciated it. "Thank you"

He frowned for a moment, "For the room?"

"Yes" I laughed, not understanding why it wasn't obvious to him.

"It's just a room" he said, chuckling quietly, "It's our room, we can do anything we like with it"

"It's just- it's just nice, is all. It's all... luxurious and expensive and _fancy_ "

Crowley just laughed, grinning as he took my hands, "I know our room in Hell wasn't exactly 5 star, but it wasn't bad"

"I didn't say anything about our other room - it's... I've not had many homes, Crowley, and two of them now have been with you - and they're much more than anything else I've ever been able to say I've _owned_."

He pressed a soft kiss to my forehead, "Well, Love, everything in this building, and everything in Hell, and everything I own, belongs to you - it's all owned by you"

I smiled widely, "You know, I'm used to having power, I'm used to people being afraid of me - but I'm not used to benefitting from being me"

"Get used to it - by the way, the door on the left is to our en suite, the door on the right is too our office."

"Okay" I smiled.

That night I had the best night's sleep I'd had in years. The warm plush bed, the warmth and safety of Crowley beside me - it was all just right. It was perfect.


	12. Lesson 12 - Take your time

Adjusting to the change in location wasn't that bad, but fuck, the paperwork. I sat back against the headboard, legs stretched out as I sipped on a cocktail. Crowley lay beside me, reading some book as I ran my fingers through his hair. My mind was a million miles away, so I didn't notice Crowley put his book down, open on his chest, until he turned his head to look up at me, "Mavriel?"

He pulled me out of my own thoughts, looking down at him, "Hm? Yeah?"

"Is everything alright, Love?" he looked up at me, his expression showing a slight concern that he was trying to conceal.

"Fine... just thinking" I smiled.

He sat up, putting a bookmark in it's place and shuffling closer to me, placing a kiss to the side of my head, "About what?"

"Your drunken escapades" I teased. We'd not actually spoken about that night, other than briefly mocking the mild hangover that he had the next morning.

"Ah, I see" he nodded and smiled a little smile, embarrassed - he looked away and up to avoid meeting my eyes, "I was a bit of a drunken state, wasn't I?"

I laughed, "I'm not complaining, Crowley"

He let out a nervous laugh, looking back to me "I was, uh, a little... forward, wasn't I? I didn't mean to-"

"It's fine, Crowley - you said it yourself, I can't say it but you know it's true" I took a breath and looked away. It was just three little words, they weren't hard but...

"Mav, listen, I do love you - I thought I should probably say it when I wasn't drunk out of my face" I smiled, shuffling down to lean my head against his shoulder, "Mavriel, can I ask...?"

"What is it?"

"Why...?" his voice was soft, almost pleading as he asked.

"Why won't I say it?" he nodded and I closed my eyes a second, taking in a deep breath and letting it out again slowly, "Gabriel"

Crowley's brow twitched down into a slight frown just for a moment, before he carefully repeated, "Gabriel?"

"I never told him that I love him - and I loved him for so long I just- I just always thought there would be more time... It mean, he never said it either... but- but... he meant he world to me and..." I stopped, drawing a shaky breath. Gabriel had been my everything for so long, he was the one I should have told I love him, but I was too late. I did love Crowley, very much - but my heart was still telling me that the first time I ever said _'I love you'_ , I should be saying it to Gabriel. "I should have told him."

He wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tight, "I'm sure he knew, Love"

"That's not the point though - I should have told him." I whispered, "I should have..." I sighed and buried my face against his chest.

"It's okay, Love - it's hard, it must be, but you're strong, you'll be okay." he rubbed my back, "You know that you broke my heart when Gabriel died? Everything that happened to you, it was so unfair for you. And seeing you afterwards, it was so clear how much he meant to you. Without any doubt, Love, Gabriel knew - and I hope you know how much he loved you too." I looked up, tears running down from my eyes, "Everything that angel did, he did for you - even _I_ could see that! You meant so much to Gabriel... I'm not going to push you love, but I want you too know that you've been loved for so long, even if no-one's said it"

 _Lucifer said it..._ my brain loudly reminded me, and I winced slightly.

"Mav?"

I shook my head.

"It's okay, it's okay - whatever it is, it's okay. Do you want some space or-"

"No." I said quickly, "No, stay here, please - it wasn't you, I promise. Just- just stay right here."

"Alright," he soothed, "alright, Love" We stayed in silence for some time. Crowley rubbed my back and I held onto him, he kissed my forehead, whispered sweet words of comfort and love. After a while we laid down on our sides, I curled up, cuddling in to Crowley as closely as I could. "Do you want to go to sleep, Mav?" he asked very softly, his voice a near whisper.

I nodded, "Yeah, soon." my own voice was a bit rough now, "Crowley"

"Yes, Love?" he brushed the hair out of my face, then smoothed a tear away.

I found myself smiling, "I might not say the three words, but I want to tell you that you mean a whole lot to me, and I'd hate to see the state I'd be in without you"

He smiled widely, "You have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that" he kissed me sweetly, "Good night, Mavriel"

"Good night Crowley"


	13. Lesson 13 - Try not to warmonger

''This is getting ridiculous" I grumbled, reading over the news articles Sam had sent me - they were out of ideas, out of hope. For months they had told me to keep out of the Leviathan issue - they were dealing with it, and so was Crowley (in his own way). Both parties had rather I'd stayed away, I already had enough targets on my back without the Leviathans adding another one.

"What's wrong Love?" Crowley asked, looking up from his glass of whiskey to look at me with a concerned frown.

"Leviathans" I sighed, "Sam and Dean need help, but... I don't know what I can do - this is above and beyond me. _Lucifer_ never even spoke about Leviathans, there's nothing I can tell them that they don't know" Quickly I typed back a reply to Sam, a glass a wine teetering in my other hand, "But I need to do something... You said you were going to try to meet their leader today, yeah?" I looked at Crowley hopefully.

"Yes I did, but I had no luck - turns out he's not fond of demons"

"Great - so we've got nothing"

"Exactly nothing, Love, I'm sorry"

"No don't apologies" I said, typing another reply to Sam, telling him what Crowley had just told me. I hit send and waited for his next reply. "You did what you could"

"I suppose" he mumbled, drinking from his glass, "What's Moose saying?"

"He's just telling me what they know, what they've done so far - apparently they don't like Borax

"What?"

"It's found in industrial cleaning agents, apparently... But the boys are out of ideas now, they've got nothing to work from"

Crowley sighed, "Well I'm pulling the demons back off of the Winchesters anyway - they need to be working out these bloody monsters, not dealing with Hell rats. Word was passed out today, any demons seen targeting the Winchesters are to be executed"

I smiled widely, "Thanks, I'm sure they'll appreciate it"

He rolled his eyes, "I'm not going soft mind, I just have my priorities in check"

"And I will remind them of that" I laughed.

"They know that it's Roman who's in charge, yes?"

"Yeah I told them..." I trailed off as my phone went again with another message from Sam. I read it, "They're planning on breaking in to his facility... Look, I'm going to have to go help them" I said, looking up again at Crowley.

"I thought you would" He said, resigned to the fact.

I placed my glass down on the floor, standing out of my arm chair and crossing over to sit on the arm of Crowley's. "I'll be okay"

"You seem very sure"

"I am - you've seen how much powerful I've gotten, I can even teleport now"

He broke into a smile, full of pride, "Yes, you can - but it's Leviathans you're dealing with, Love. They're not your average monster"

"I'm not your average hunter either though"

He laughed, "You're not a hunter Mav, not now - you're something far better than that"

"A queen?" I asked, teasing him.

"Well yes"

I smiled, leaning down and pressing a kiss to his lips, "I'll be fine, and I'll be back soon"


	14. Lesson 14 - Only be helpless once

I sat on the floor, back back against the foot of our bed. I sobbed. Slowly, clumsily, I brought my knees up to my chest. I thumped my forehead against my knees, a few times one after the other, gasping sobs escaping my throat. Both my hands were buried in my hair, gripping on tight.

Crowley must have heard. He came flying into the room, "Mav? _Mavriel?_ Where have you _been?!_ I- ... What happened? What's wrong?" I shook my head. "Mav," he said firmly, "are you hurt?"

I shook my head, "N-no"

"What happened? ... _Mav?_ "

"I- I couldn't... I should've... I- I-" I broke down again in tears.

Crowley rubbed my shoulders, gently he tried to comfort me. "Mavriel, Darling, please, talk to me - what happened?"

"I c- ...I should have... I should..."

"Come on, come on up we get" he said softly. He lifted me to my feet like a child, once I was standing I clung onto him, my fingers hurting with the sheer force I was gripping his coat with. My whole body was trembling - guilt and fear and the pain of loss had hit me so hard; I hadn't been prepared to lose anyone tonight.

Crowley held me carefully but firmly, his arms around my back, as if he was afraid my legs were about to give up - to be honest I didn't have much faith in them at that moment myself. "Let's have a seat" he suggested softly.

I nodded, letting go of him and taking his hand. With a click of his fingers our armchairs were suddenly in our new room. He led my over and sat me down in my chair before dragging his closer. I sat for a moment, trembling still, but I could take it a second longer. I got up and sat on Crowley's lap, curling up against him, leaning my head against his chest. Tears ran down my cheeks.

"Mavriel, can you please tell me what happened tonight?" Crowley asked, trying desperately to remain calm.

I took a couple of deep breaths, "We were running back to the van, I jumped in in front of him, I- I... It should have been..." my words dissolved into nothingness. I squeezed my eyes shut. There was so much guilt.

"Who, Love? Has someone been hurt?" he frowned, trying not to be in delicate.

"I- I... They shot Bobby" I whispered.

His eyes widened, "The Leviathans shot Bobby Singer?"

I nodded, my breathing becoming shaky, "In the head... He- he was in a coma, I thought he'd wake up, but he's- he's... I jumped in in front of him it's my fault"

"No, no Love, it's not your fault, no" Crowley held me closer. Even he hadn't ever imagined Bobby Singer's last moments - even Crowley, the King of Hell, hadn't dared to dream of the old hunter's death, "it's not your fault, Mav, it's not your fault" he whispered.

Furiously, I wiped away my tears, turning just slightly to look at him, "Teach me how to heal people"

He blinked, "What?" he asked softly.

"Teach me how to heal people, Crowley - you've done it before, when you healed Bobby and let him walk again. Teach _me_ " I looked at him pleadingly.

"It's too late, Love, there's nothing you can do for him now" he tried to explain.

"No Crowley, I understand that - I mean for the future. If I'd have known how to I could have saved Bobby, I need to know" my words started to dissolve into tears, "I won't let it happen again - I'm not going to be helpless like that again. I'm not going to let anyone else down, I- I can't. Not again"

He let out a soft sigh, pushing my hair back from my face and wiping away my fresh tears. "You didn't let anyone down, Mavriel." I shook my head bitterly, "And you've got to understand, it's not as easy as healing someone - it's not like the angels. I healed Bobby, the same way I make deals happen, Love - I can't teach you to heal people, but... I can teach you how to make deals"

I took a deep breath, looking Crowley in the eyes as I thought for a moment. I nodded, "Okay - teach me how to make deals"


	15. Lesson 15 - Sometime Crowley knows best

For the next month Crowley taught me. He cleared our schedule, arranging for some of the more trusted demons to take on a few of the jobs that needed done, other things that could be left were put aside until later on. It was intensive, trying to control and focus my abilities and force them to do the very exact thing that I wanted them to. By the end of the first week my body ached from the tension that had been building within it. But I had to learn, I had to.

Crowley was careful with me, he didn't want to push me, but I was pushing myself - leaving me exhausted by the end of the day, every day. "Take it slowly Love" he'd told me, "we've got all the time in the world, don't force yourself too much." I'd ignored him of course, kept pushing and pushing until I had nothing more to give. Even when Crowley was telling me blatantly to stop, I kept going. Over those weeks I stopped caring, all I wanted to do was achieve this, so that… what happened to Bobby, wouldn't happen again.

There were limits unfortunately to what I could do, and that was something that I wouldn't be able to overcome, no matter how much work I put in. Demon powers worked strangely - with the exception of death, nothing seemed too large, no, in fact it seemed to be the small things that caused problems. Crowley told me that, if an injury wasn't sufficient enough to warrent a trip to hospital, then it was probably too small for us to deal with.

"But Bobby's injury?"

"Yes, that would have been something that we could have tried to do something about"

That was the other thing, unless someone was actually selling their soul for a cure, then there wasn't always a 100% success rate. Which worried me. If someone else died because I couldn't… I tried to shut out thoughts like that.

I was getting close, closer than ever - I so very nearly had it. For hours I forced myself to keep going. If I could only… But I pushed too hard. I lost my concentration for a split second and the sheer mass of energy I had gathered was released uncontrollably. The strength of it punched through me. It dissipated and I stood in shock for a brief moment as Crowley quickly got to his feet, growling something like, "What the Hell was that?"

As quick as a flash I became light headed, then I was on the floor.

When my vision cleared, I found myself wrapped in Crowley's arms, lying across his lap, my head cradled in the crook of his arm. I closed my eyes again for a second, turning my head away from him as I sucked in a breath.

"Mavriel" he said firmly, "we _are_ taking a break now"

I quickly looked back at him, "No. it's fine, just give me a moment" I said, strained, trying to sit up and wincing, "It's nothing. I'll-"

"No." he held me firm, "You are taking a break, for a few days at least. This is getting out of hand."

He sat me up, supporting me. "Crowley" I began to protest weakly.

"No"

"Please. I have to-"

"No, Mavriel" he said again, softly, "Now come on, let's get you to bed"

I gave in as a dull ache started to radiate outwards from the centre of my chest. Crowley stood then helped me to my feet, putting my arm round his shoulders, and braced me with his hand on my waist. I groaned quietly in pain, letting him walk me slowly, step by step, back to our room. He didn't say anything else until he'd sat me down in my armchair. He knelt in front of me, one hand on my thigh while the other had reached out and taken a gentle hold of my own, "I understand" he said softly.

"Do you?" I asked, hesitantly, looking for some kind of reassurance.

"Yes. But you need to give yourself a chance - you've been at this for three weeks straight now. You need to rest. I can't sit back and let you hurt yourself like this again"

Tears started to form in the corners of my eyes, "I'm sorry" I breathed, struggling to find any more energy to put into my words. Gently, he hugged me, rubbing my back and cradling the back of my head. I held on to him weakly, letting out a shaky breath.

A rest. I'd take a rest, a break, for a few days, then get back to work.


	16. Lesson 16 - When he says rest, rest

Crowley had more or less resigned me to bed rest after I collapsed. I understood why; since then I'd been suffering from dizzy spells, lightheadedness, vomiting, and, as of yesterday, pretty heavy nose bleeds. But putting that aside I still felt like taking this break was only setting me back - that was stupid, I knew that was stupid, I was being stupid... but I wanted this to work, so badly. I couldn't remember anything I'd strived for more.

I felt blood starting to run from my nose again and I groaned, sitting up in bed, my head tilted forward with my hand under my nose trying to stop blood getting trailed across the floor again.

"Sit down" came Crowley's voice as he walked back into the room. I sighed but sat anyway, letting him come over to me and assess the damage this time. He knelt in front of me, pulling a cloth from his pocket, "Let me see"

I did, tilting my head up just enough to show him. The first time I'd got a nose bleed I'd tilted my head right back - the blood had ran backward and down my throat, making me choke and cough blood; Crowley had freaked, pretty much thought I was dying until I'd explained. He'd hugged me so tight, getting blood all over his suit and face, but he hadn't cared. He'd nuzzled his forehead in against my shoulder and just took a deep, deep breath then sighed, holding me close to him. I'd wanted to laugh but I knew how worried he had been; I hugged him, ran my hand over his hair while I told him that I was fine, everything would be fine.

Now, he knelt in front of me, wiping away the blood from my face. I watched his face as he did; Crowley thought that this was on him, that he should have stopped me sooner, that he shouldn't have allowed me to go so far and get myself hurt - but he, of all people, should know that when my mind is set on something, especially something so serious to me, that I wouldn't stop until it was absolutely necessary, and even then, only with a push. I'd tried telling him over and over again the last few days that this was my fault and my fault alone - I should have known better. But Crowley's harder on himself than he is on anyone else.

My nose stopped bleeding and he finished cleaning my face of blood, "Give me your hand" he was very soft spoken towards me at the moment, overly so. He was so gentle with me, every movement in my direction was careful and precise. Sometimes he looked as if he was scared to touch me. Crowley hadn't been there the last time something like that had happened, no; that was after I'd meet Lucifer in Detroit, and Crowley was in hiding. Of course, this hadn't happened last time - Cas had mostly managed to heal me then... _I wonder if Cas- No. Cas is dead. The Leviathans killed him. That's why I need to get stronger - that's why I need to get back to this again!_

"How do you feel, Mav?"

"I'm fine. I'm not sore"

"Dizzy?"

"Only a little" He nodded, and with a snap of his fingers the bloody cloth had vanished. He studied my face for a moment, the distant professionalism he'd tried to maintain while looking after me, was suddenly fading away. He was always trying not to let himself be seen to be vulnerable, even around me - though that was just a force of habit. He'd nearly broken before, when he'd seen me choking and coughing up blood from that first nose bleed, but from then on he'd remained fairly reserved. Now though, there was love and concern in his eyes and unspoken words on his lips. "What's wrong?" I asked.

He made an unsure face, trying to find the right words to say, "I don't like seeing blood on you - even other peoples but particularly your own. It... I don't like it"

I watched his expression as he admitted it to me, I reached out and held his hand, "And I don't like it when you distance yourself to avoid talking about things"

He bowed his head, accepting that what it'd said was true. I sat next to me, wrapping an arm around me, "You are very right, Love" he smiled at me, "but I think you can understand why"

 _Yeah, because I know exactly what I'd be like if something ever happened to you and I can only imagine what you'd do if something serious happened to me._ I nodded, leaning in against his shoulder. We knew when we were weak, we knew when something or someone was making us weak. Me being injured and unwell made Crowley weak - it made him worried and distracted, he couldn't focus on the things he should be doing, the things he should be taking care of; he was so caught up in making sure that I was alright, thatI was as comfortable as I could be, that I was getting better as quickly as possible, that I wasn't straining myself in any tiny amount - I occupied nearly every thought while I was in this state. But I knew I would be the same, if not worse if he got hurt. We both choose to distance ourself from our pain and fear and anxieties, because for a short while we can cope that way. Gabriel did the exact same. But we shouldn't, not any of us.

"It's okay you know, to be worried" I said quietly, Crowley just smiled, "I'd be worried about you if anything ever happened"

"Would you?" he tried to make the remark sound teasing, but I could hear the insecurity beneath it, the soft, nervous voice asking sincerely if that was true.

"Of course I would, you mean a lot to me Crowley, you know that. I need you"

He pulled me close to him, his arms wrapped round my back, softly he said, "I love you too"


	17. Lesson 17 - Re-evaluate Your Strategy

I'd healed fairly well. The only evidence left of the state I'd been in was the occasional nose bleeds I'd get - the dizziness was away, so was the pain in my chest and in my head. Crowley was happier now, he looked it - I was relieved that he wasn't so worried any more. I'd never liked seeing him anxious. He'd officially declared that I was in fit enough health to be allowed freedom from the bed rest he'd forced upon me - _with fair reason_. I needed to stop being bitter about what had happened.

We'd had some meetings, some counsels and the like, just to reaffirm that we were still there, that we were still in charge and nothing had changed. There had been some restlessness in the last month. We made a point of showing our closeness too, to show our joined strength. During the last meeting I'd stood up half way through with the sole purpose of sitting back down in Crowley's lap - he'd been amused by that. He'd wrapped his arms around me and played with my hair while the demons stuttered and tripped over their words, trying not to pass comment.

When the schedule for the day had been cleared, Crowley took me by the hand and we walked side by side back to our bedroom. I changed into more comfortable clothes then went to my armchair, turning it and pulling it forward a little until I could sit back and still put my feet up on Crowley's lap. He gave me a cheeky smile, but proceeded to pull off my socks and start massaging my feet. "Mmm" I smiled, "I should get you to do that more often"

He chuckled, starting to massage my other foot, "And what, my Love, would i get in return?"

"Ugh, once a crossroads demon, always a crossroads demon" you rolled your eyes, winding him up.

"And don't you forget it, Love" he grinned, "So?"

"Well, I _guess_ it'd be fair that you get a massage too"

"Oh, how thoughtful of you - but we do need to talk about something, Mav"

I froze for a moment, looking across at him, "About training?"

"I wouldn't call it training, Love, but yes"

I pulled my feet back down from his lap, "Go on, we'll be serious for a moment then - say your bit" I said, resigned.

Unamused, he gave me a look. "Mavriel, Darling, you know what I'm going to say"

"Almost word for word"

I was given the same look again, "If we're are going to restart your 'training', I'm not going to accept the same attitude you had before - it's too dangerous for you"

"I understand"

"Do you? Mav, you need to listen to me," he almost pleaded, "If you aren't going to take charge of your own safety then I will, and you're going to have to as I say. I know better when it comes to this, I've been a part of this far longer than you have, Love," I raised an eyebrow, and he rolled his eyes, "Meaning, of course, the use of demonic powers, Mav; I wasn't referring to Hell itself"

"Okay"

He stared at me for a good, hard second, before saying, "Mav, promise me you'll take this seriously"

"I will, I promise"

"I'm not going to let you hurt yourself like that again, do you understand? We're lucky it wasn't that bad this time, but you are so strong, Mav, you're so powerful - by accident, you can take out entire towns, with even a small amount of concentration you could do so much more. The scale of your ability is so vast... I just don't want to see you get hurt again"

I bowed my head and nodded, "I understand - I'll be more careful this time."

"Just promise me you'll do as I say"

"I promise, Crowley"

He smiled softly, "Thank you, Love"

I got up and straddled his thighs, sat down just short of his knees, and kissed him sweetly, "I know you know best, Darling - I just need to behave myself now"

He laughed, "Well I'm glad you said it and not me"

I slapped his arm playfully, "Cheeky"

"You love it"

"Well that's not the point" I sang, now playing with his tie.

Crowley's hands rested on my thighs, his thumbs rubbing back and forth over my bare skin, occasionally catching the edge of my shorts. I loosened off his tie and pulled it off over his head. He raised an eyebrow, "What _are_ you doing, Love?"

"I believe there was a massage mentioned earlier" That brought a grin to his face, "Now, sit forward, Darling"

So he did, letting me push off his jacket and unbutton his shirt. I slid my hands under the rich fabric, running my fingers up his chest to his shoulders, then to the back of his neck. Firmly I massaged the back of his neck, my thumbs resting on the edges of his jaw. A deep hum rumbled from his throat, making me smile. I worked my fingers along to his shoulders and the strong muscles there - no-one realised just how muscular Crowley was, how much of his solid form was actually pure strength, under that attractive layer of chub.

He leant forward just slight to press kisses along my neck and collar bones, easily getting access with the thin strapped crop top I had put on. His hand glided up my things to hold my bare waist. Slowly, I pulled his shirt down off his shoulders to hang from his elbows. With one hand I continued to massage his shoulder, while I traced over his tattoos with the other. After a while, my hands traded jobs and Crowley pulled me closer to him. He kissed up my neck slowly and sweetly, gently marking my skin. His lips brushed against the spot behind my ear, his stubble grazed over my skin. He wrapped his arms across my back, holding me securely, "I love you" he whispered, "so much. Please don't worry me like that again, Love"

I bowed my head, smiling against his cheek, "I'll try not to, my King"


	18. Lesson 18 - Prioritise

We started training again, one hour a day to start with, then eventually Crowley agreed to two hours. I'd been knocked back a little from the progress I'd made, but I was quick to make it up again. I was getting better every day, slowly building up to trying to get it right the second time round. Crowley had become protective of me, again, paranoid that I would go too far and hurt myself again - but I knew better, I couldn't risk another set back like that again. I thought, after a while that he'd seemed to relax a bit - become more attentive, more loving, unafraid to get close to me again. Everything looked like it was falling into place. Everything was getting normal again.

But then there was Sam.

Not that I put any blame on him. Dean had called me in a panic, going on about how he needed my help - _because Sam was having hallucinations of Lucifer._ "What? Dean- Dean, slow down. What exactly happened?"

 _"Fucking_ Lucifer _is in Sam's head!"_

I tensed, but tried my hardest to keep a logical mindset "He- he's not - that's not possible, Dean"

 _"I don't care what's possible, Mav. Sam can see Lucifer, in front of him, right now, he can hear him. I don't know what to do!"_

"Okay. Okay, I'm coming, just give me a minute or two, okay? I'll be there soon" I hung up. Crowley had been watching me from the moment I picked up the phone - he was tense, he knew something was going on and he didn't want me to get wrapped up in it.

"Mav, Love?"

I bit my lip and shook my head, "I need to go"

He got up, coming to me, standing just in front of me, his head tilted down to try to see my expression, "Mav, what did Dean tell you?"

I looked up at him and he frowned in concern; I put down my phone, then took his hands, I told him "Just trust me, the boys need me and I need to go, now, Darling" I let go of his hands and clicked my fingers, changing my clothes to more comfortable hunting wear - jeans, t-shirt and plaid shirt. I turned to get my phone but Crowley caught my wrist.

His voice was low and serious, "Mav please, tell me what's going on"

I took his hand and turned back to him, "Sam... is having hallucinations of... of Lucifer. He needs me, right now."

His face fell - "No, _please,_ no - not if _Lucifer's_ tangled up in this" his voice had started desperate, but rose to near hysteria, "I don't want you at risk if _he's_ involved. I- I can't just let you walk _head first_ into... into this, whatever _this_ is"

And I understood, I completely understood. Fuck, I didn't _want_ to go but they needed me, they actually needed my help, no-one but me could be of any real use here. I hugged Crowley, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him close, burying my face against his chest, "They need me" I told him softly, "whatever's going on, they need me. I know what Sam's going through, he won't be able to cope"

He was quietly furious, trying to bite back his anger, "So you have to be dragged in? I-" he cut himself off, his teeth clenched in rage as he turned his face away from me for a moment, "I do not want you to get hurt"

"I know" I told him softly, "Crowley, I know - and... and I don't want to, but they need me to"

Gently, he took my face in his hands, stroking his thumbs over my cheeks, he sighed, "Sometimes I forget you're not actually a demon"

"Why? Because I'd help my friends?" I smiled, "I know you would do it for me - and, I hate to say Darling, you are the most demon-y demon I know"

A smile played on his lips, "There are no other demons like me." Then he sighed, "You better get moving, the Winchesters have been waiting long enough, I think, Love" but there was that look in his eyes - _'don't go, please don't go, I want you to stay, please don't go'_ ; it was the look I used to get when I went back to the Winchesters, or Gabriel and Balthazar, after spending a couple of days (or a night) with him. That look meant something else now.

I hugged him tight, kissed his cheek and smiled, "I promise I'll let you know exactly what's going on, okay?"

"Okay, Love"

I kissed his forehead, and grabbed my phone. "It'll be fine"

"I'm sure it will, Love"


	19. Lesson 19 - Be upset sometimes, its okay

I straightened out my skirt as I walked through the halls of our residence, heading for the throne room. As I'd predicted, I saw Crowley turn from an adjoining corridor in front of me.

"Crowley"

He froze and frowned, head turning in my direction. I'd been gone for three days. Only three days. "Mav. Wh- ... Is everything alright?"

I continued walking until I was by his side, once I was, he started to walk alongside me. I took a deep breath, "Well I mean _I'm_ fine" I said shortly, trying not to get into it just now. It had been a long three days.

"Mav, are you sure?"

"Aren't you on your way to a meeting?"

"Well yes-"

"Then so am I, amn't I?"

He stopped then, taking a short breath and nodding. "Well, we better get on then, Love"

sssss

The demons hadn't been expecting my presence - it'd put them on edge. And apparently the upset, on-edge expression I'd been sporting hadn't helped anyone. Crowley got frustrated as the demons cowered and mumbled their words as they tried to stay as far away from me as possible - apparently my eye's had turned purple moments after I'd taken my seat.

And as much as I'd tried to maintain as much normality as possible, I wasn't as... _patient_ as I usually was. I dismissed eight individual demons by the end of the meeting, and I was on the verge of killing another. Eventually Crowley cut the whole thing short, dismissing everyone and bring us back to our bedroom with a click of his fingers.

I turned away from him, snapping my fingers and changing into my pyjamas, crawling into bed and sitting up against the bedboard, my knees bent, the covers pulled up to my chest. I let my hair own and blinked away the purple from my eyes until they were they're respective blue and green.

He sighed, dragging his hand over his face. He shoved his hand in his pockets and looked at me, "Please tell me what's wrong"

"I can't be around Sam right now"

He sat at my feet, "What is it? Is Lucifer using him to get to you because I-"

"Stop" I said quietly. I was so tired. "For Sam's sake, we can't be anywhere near each other - because of the way Lucifer, if it even is actually Lucifer, reacts to me. I can't see him or hear, or feel him there - but's it's reality as far as Sam's concerned... I want to help - I feel like I'm the only person who can help but... I... can't. Lucifer says things about me and- and does... _things_ and it's upsetting for Sam. I was just making everything worse..."

His jaw clenched at the thought of Lucifer saying or doing anything in regards to me. "He didn't hurt you though...?"

"No, but he's tormenting Sam. And I'm _useless_ "

"You aren't useless, Love - it's just complicated" he took my hands in his, rubbing them gently with his thumbs.

"I need to _do_ something though" there was an ache in my chest of guilt and concern.

His brow furrowed, "No, you don't - you don't owe them anything"

"I know what it's like to have Lucifer in my mind" I said, seriously, "and he was _supposedly_ being nice to me"

He nodded, "Okay, okay - we'll see what we can do" he leant in and placed a kiss on my forehead, "but right now I think you need some sleep, and a tea?"

"I'm fine thanks"

"Hot chocolate?" he offered, smiling.

" _With_ cream and marshmallows?"

"Of course, Love"


	20. Lesson 20 - Take the opportunity

_"Cas?" Dean asked uncertainly._

 _The angel had his back to Dean as he said, "I remember you" then_ _Cas turned to Dean, a shameful look on his face, "I remember everything"_

 _Dean just stared, he didn't what to say or what to do. But Meg grinned, "Fantastic, well done Clarence - now why don't you call your friend in royalty for a little help with the rest of these guys?"_

 _"No" Dean snapped, "We're not bring Mav into this right now"_

 _"And why not?" Meg scowled, "You know fine well that every demon in this place'll scatter when they see her - it would make life a Hell of a lot easier"_

 _Cas nodded, "Yes, and I would like to make my apologies to Mavriel too. I betrayed her, I must make that right again"_

 _Dean felt like he could rip his hair out, "That is exactly why we can't bring her here! Cas, man, after you axed Balthazar the first thing she said was that when she found you she was going to kill you - now she couldn't have managed it when you were jumped up on souls and Leviathans, but she could damn well do it now. And something tells me she won't be all 'forgive and forget'. Cas you murdered her best friend! Mav's killed more people for less. Hell, we all have"_

 _Castiel stared at the ground, "I made a terrible mistake - surely if I could talk to her"_

 _"Cas, just - can we do this and figure out how to fix things with her later? Please, Sam's in there and he's suffering. Can we focus on that for a minute?!"_

 _"I am sorry Dean. We should now help Sam"_

 _"Thank you"_

sssss

"What the Hell is going on?" I asked Crowley. He was fuming.

"I'd love to find out - someone is currently mass killing demons. I'm just about to pop off and find out who, Love"

"I'll go" I smiled, "I need out anyway"

"Are you sure?"

"If they're killing demons I doubt they'll be expecting me. Besides, I need to get out for a bit"

...

I looked around the hospital. There were corpses everywhere - some with eyes burnt out, others who had been stabbed... with the demon blade? Dean? And he was working with an angel... who the _fuck_?

I followed the trail of bodies round the halls. At some point the pair had split up - I took a moment to make up my mind; follow Dean and find out what the Hell was going on - or find out which angel had suddenly decided to offer help to a Winchester. I followed after the angel, my mind spinning - every angel in Heaven and Earth knew exactly what had happened to the angels who had befriended the Winchesters in the past, so why would any of the join forces? I could hear the sound of another demon being killed. This angel must be close. What was in this hospital that was so valuable to both Dean and some angel? Surely...

Cas.

I'd turned a corner to see him standing there, tan coat and suit, like he'd never left. He stopped. He must have heard me. I stared at him as he turned back to see me. I found tears gathering in the corners for my eyes, my lip trembled. His eyes were wide and I realised that he had never seen me as the Queen of Hell before - he didn't know what I'd become after he disappeared. And here I was, dressed all in black, my dress, my cape, my shoes, my crown - the purple and red gems gleamed under the harsh lights.

I hadn't been expecting this.

Under Cas's stare I felt ridiculous - I was dressed as the demon's queen, not the tag-along hunter he knew. I snapped my fingers and changed into more normal clothes, hunter's clothes. I swallowed painfully, a lump forming in my throat, "You- you're meant to be dead, Cas" there was no real emotion in my words. They were as empty as I felt. My mind conjured back images of Balthazar's body, laying crumpled on the floor, blood on his chest, the look of surprise still on his face.

He came back along the corridor to me, wrapping his arms around me in an awkward hug. I flinched back, pushing him away. "Don't you dare" I hissed, my voice cracked. "Don't you _dare_ just _turn up_ and act like nothing has happened"

"Mavriel, I..." he reached out to touch my arm and I batted his hand away.

"You- _you_..." there were tears running down my face. I could feel my body trembling now.

"I'm sorry. Truely, I am"

"I don't care!" I screamed. He flinched back. For the first time ever, I actually saw him flinch. "Do you have any idea! You idiot. You _stupid, fucking idiot!_ " I pushed him, hard, and he stumbled back. His guilt was all over his face. " And for what purpose really?! There was _none!_ Balthazar didn't have to die but you killed him anyway! You murdered _the only person I had left!_ " I screamed. I pushed him again, harder, and I fell to the floor. "So why the fuck shouldn't I kill you?!

He didn't say a word, he just looked up at me. When I punched him he didn't defend himself. He didn't defend himself when I punched him again. In fact, not once against a furious attack of punches and kicks, did he raise a hand to defend himself. Not when there was blood running off his chin and there were bruises forming across his skin and I still hadn't let up, did he even ask me to stop - he didn't beg for mercy or for forgiveness or an end, he just let it happen. The tears in his eyes and the soft whimpers of pain where the only indication that he was even aware of it. I hit him hard, in the centre of his chest, and he choked, spluttering blood as he coughed.

I raised my hand to hit him again, but I didn't. I just held my fist there, in midair, as I stared at him again.

For the briefest second, he dared to look up, "I'm sorry"

I broke.

I scrambled back away from him, until I hit wall. I started to sob. There was blood on my hands and my face and my clothes. And somehow _he_ managed to look fucking innocent. He reached out, somehow, and managed to touch my leg - and then his blood was gone from me. "I am so sorry for what I have done." he said quietly, "I don't expect your forgiveness Mavriel"

"...It's not fair" I mumbled through my sobs, "It's- it's _not fair!_ "

"Cas?" we both turned out heads at the call. Moments later Dean rounded the corner. He froze, looking wide eyed at the scene before him. He knew it was me, it was obvious. I got to my feet.

I couldn't even look at Dean as I said, "He'll need a hand up"

"Christ" I heard him breathe as he went to get Cas to his feet. When I turned to them, the angel was standing, just about, completely supported by Dean.

I reached out and touched his arm, healing what I could. Cas still had bruises on his face, and blood down him - but I'd managed to heal the worst of it. Cas stepped aside, amazed the he was able to stand by his own means. Both of them stared at me for a second, "Funny what you learn as the Queen of Hell" I muttered. I could see the confusion on Cas's face, and something near to fear on Dean's, "So where's Sam?"

...

Sam groaned, then gasped for breath. Dean stared for a second, Sam?"

The younger brother looked up and saw him, "Dean!"

Sam pulled his brother into a hug as Dean let out a little sigh, " _Sam_ "

Sam's eyes lit up as he saw me, "Mav" I smiled as he stooped over to hug me, his long arms wrapped around my back. I hugged him, nodding contently for a second.

He stood straight again,looking round to see Cas. "Cas" he greeted him, but Castiel's eyes widened in fear. I had a pained feeling that I knew what he could see, and it wasn't Sam in front of him.

...

We stood outside the hospital, "I don't know" Sam said, "we can't just leave him"

"I'd offer to keep him with me, but we all know that's not an option"

"Well, we can't bring him with us" Dean said, looking back at the hospital for a moment. He sighed, "Everything on the planet's out for us, okay? Word gets out, we can't protect him. Not really. This is safer."

"And I'll keep dropping in to check on him"

Dean nodded and Sam gave me a little smile.

sssss

I was back home, standing in the centre of our bedroom. Crowley looked up from his armchair and smiled at me, "There you are, Love, I was starting to get worried. Taking it you found out who was causing our little problem?"

I laughed to myself, slumping down in my own chair, "Yeah, it was Dean, and _Cas_ "

He frowned, "Castiel? I thought he was _dead_?"

"So did I"

"Dear lord, you didn't kill him did you?"

"I considered it" I muttered, sitting up.

"Bloody Hell - what happened?"

"Well..."


	21. Lesson 21 - It's okay not to be okay

By the time I'd explained everything to Crowley, I'd curled myself up into a ball in my chair - my feet were up and tucked as far back as they could go, my ankles were crossed over, my knees up at my chest, my elbows tucked in tight to my sides. I'd managed to rant through my frustration and my anger, the remaining pent up emotions I had even after I'd bet Cas into the ground. At that point I honestly didn't even know if I felt bad or not - sure, it was unfair that he was now getting tortured by 'Lucifer' in his mind, but that beating? I decided he'd deserved worse.

I sighed and looked over at Crowley. I was tired, I didn't know what I wanted or needed at that moment. I felt like I was going to cry but I didn't have the energy. "Do you want me to get you something?" Crowley offered softly, "Tea, hot chocolate? Something stronger?"

I smiled weakly, "What do you want? I'll have the same"

He shook his head, "I can put on a movie?"

I bit my lip a little, shook my head, "I don't know... I don't know what I want"

"We can go to bed? You can sleep all this off"

"I'm not tired" I stared at the ground, "Sorry, I'm not trying to be awkward"

He smiled, "It's alright, Love - I understand. You can't be a saint every day"

"I'm no saint" I smiled.

"You are to me - and considering what could have happened to you over the years... You've turned out to be _remarkable_ , Mav - beating up one angel with a stick up his ass doesn't change that; especially after what he did"

I smiled, "Look at you getting all sentimental"

He laughed, "Not a _word_ of it leaves this room - or else"

" _Or else_ " I scoffed, laughing. I put my feet down on the floor, crossing my legs over at my ankles.

He tried to keep at straight face as he softly threatened, "Don't test me, Love"

"Oh, I wouldn't _dream_ of it, Darling" I cooed sarcastically. He shook his head, but came over to me and kissed my forehead.

I looked up at him as he pulled back. Quickly, standing, I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close. For a second he was surprised, but he was soon hugging me tight. I took a deep breath and sighed against his shoulder, embracing his warmth, the smell of whiskey and sulfur that clung to him. I barely noticed that smell anymore, not unless it was a moment like this. I closed my eyes, nuzzling my face against his suit jacket. With one hand, he rubbed my back slowly, and with the other he gently cradled the back of my head. I turned my head and rested my ear against his chest - I could hear, feel his heartbeat, strong and consistent. It was reassuring for some reason. _Fuck, I love him._

Crowley bowed his head and kissed the top of my head, "Maybe you should get some sleep, Mav"

I nodded slightly, but I didn't want to let go yet. "Five more minutes"

I just knew he was smiling widely. He nodded, "Okay, five minutes, Love"


	22. Lesson 22 - Take a Lazy Day

Crowley wasn't there when I woke up in the morning, but that that was anything new. But the note on his pillow, that was different. I rubbed my eyes, leaning up on my elbow to see it - I grabbed it and tried to blink away my sleepiness to read it:

 _Mavriel, Love,  
_ _I'm in a meeting just now, don't worry. I'll be back as soon as I can. Pick a movie, something to eat, whatever drink you fancy - once I'm back we're not leaving our room. I plan on having a nice relaxing day, with all the details down to you. I understand yesterday was stressful for you, so I'll do everything in my power to give you the break you deserve  
I love you  
Be back soon, text me if you need me sooner  
_ _Crowley xxx_

I couldn't stop smiling. I felt like I was in some sappy rom-com. A note on the pillow was possibly the cutest thing he'd ever done - not that I'd say it too his face, I could just picture his expression if I told him he'd done something 'cute'. I folded the note over, tucking it under my pillow and snuggling back down under the covers, pulling them up over my shoulder. It was still warm under the sheets, it still smelt like Crowley too. Lazily, I dragged one of his pillows over, wrapped my arms around it and pulled it close to my chest.

 _What film should we watch? If we were going to stay here all day we could watch a few. James Bond? Love Actually? Harry Potter? Blair Witch Project?_ _Lord of the Rings? ...Yeah, all of them, extended edition... yeah..._ I yawned, closing my eyes again and snuggling into the pillow. _We could have pancakes... hmm..._

When I woke, it was because I felt a slight dip in the mattress. With a little effort, I opened my eyes to see Crowley sitting on the edge of our bed, "Hush, Love, go back to sleep if you want"

I smiled, stretching, "Mm, no it's okay, I'm awake"

Crowley smiled as he kicked off his shoes, lying back beside me, "Okay then, what would you like, Love?"

"Pancakes" I told him, pushing myself up a bit.

Pancakes? I offer you literally anything in the world, and you want pancakes?"

"Yeah, that okay?"

He smiled, "That's fine, Mav, of course it is. Anything else?"

"Hot chocolate, with cream and marshmallows, please, and cookie dough ice cream"

"Right away, is that all?"

"Yeah" I curled up against his side, leaning my head against his chest, trying to avoid his shirt buttons.

"But five more minutes first?"

"Mm, yeah"


	23. Lesson 23 - Purgatory 101

We hadn't left our room for the rest of that day - we watched the first two Lord of the Rings films, the extended versions. Crowley had never seen them before, but I'd watched them with Gabriel, with Dean and Sam, and with Charlie. They were good films, I'd read the books way back when they first came out and they were a faithful adaptation, in full anyway. I got Crowley to decide on dinner for us, so we ended up having haggis, turnip and potato - _"haggis, neeps and tatties"_ as Crowley had called it, making me laugh before he explained what that actually meant. Then he'd shown off his bar tending skills, mixing cocktails of all sorts to entertain me and give a little kick to the night. I sipped on sweet, fruity drinks while he rolled his eyes and drank his whiskey.

It had been perfect - something great to try to remember over the next year, amongst all the chaos and fear and panic.

Crowley told me not to go, he all but begged me to stay. But I was so clever, wasn't I. _"I have to, for Bobby - I have to make sure Dick is definitely dead. You know he'll come for Hell once he thinks he has Earth, Crowley. I've got to go"_

And he'd sighed, hugged me for a moment, and kissed me, _"On you go then, now, you better come back in one piece, I mean it - we still have that third film to watch"_

And I'd laughed, _"I'll be home soon"_ I'll be home soon. Yeah. Soon.

Dean killed Dick, and I wasn't really sure what happened next. I was very suddenly alone, very alone, in a forest. It was so quiet. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears - not again, I was _not_ going through this again. Where the _fuck_ was I? Where- ...Purgatory. I was trapped in Purgatory. Fuck, no... _No_. NO! _I was not getting stuck in_ another _fucking land, I was_ not _being taken away_ again _, I was not going to start_ all over again _. I was not going to stay_ trapped _here. I was_ not- _I was NOT... No. ...no, no... fuck, please, no..._

I had sobbed. Memories of my first moments on Earth came back to me. _I- I couldn't do this again, I couldn't... I couldn't... Why?_ Where was Dean? Where was Cas? They were right there beside me, so where had they gone? Were they here somewhere too? Sam was far enough away, he should have been fine. Fuck. I wiped tears away from my eyes. I had to find Dean. I had to find Cas. I had to get out of here. I was going home. I was going fucking home this time. I was never going to go through that again. Crowley was waiting for me.

Crowley _was waiting for me._ I repeated that to myself day in and day out as I realized this might not be just another thing I had to go through. I tried counting the days, but as I slept fitfully, sometimes for an hour, sometimes for twelve, I quickly lost count. The monsters of Purgatory knew my name too, they knew my story, and they knew that I was not their friend. I was hunted, by everything that saw me. And I hunted, more than I ever had before - and I got good, really good. I hadn't really been a hunter, even before becoming Queen; I tagged along, I was the back up, I researched and liaised with whoever. I had rarely been a main part of the hunt, unless they needed the help. This was different now, I had to hunt, to protect myself.

 _Crowley's waiting._ I cried to myself, a lot, again. I was sick of crying. Weapons were rough made and hard to come by, if something broke, it broke me down, I was a mess. It had been months before I saw any indication of Dean or Cas - a vampire's corpse, beheaded. It must have been one of them. As far as I'd seen, the monsters of Purgatory kept more to themselves if they could, and if they were going to fight, they would rather tear each other apart, not cut their heads clean off. _Thank fuck._ I hung around that spot for a couple of days, hoping that whichever one of them had killed it would be nearby, but from the way things were going I realised that Dean and Cas were moving on just like me. Damn. Were they together? Or apart? Was I looking for two people or for one? I was always scared I'd find them dead somewhere - to die in Purgatory was certainly final if nothing else.

I'd get attacked every few days, a collection of new wounds and scars began to form. I could still bleed here - I didn't need to eat or drink, but I could still bleed. I wondered what Crowley would be doing without me. It wasn't like he hadn't ruled by himself before, he'd manage without me. He'd be fine with me gone, it wasn't like- it wasn't like I was that important really. He'd be fine without me, he'd be fine by himself. It was cold here, not painfully so, but just enough of a chill in the air all the time that reminded me if Lucifer - sometimes I woke and I could have sworn he was right there, but it was just that chill... Our bedroom would be warm when I got back, Crowley would have the fire on, I'd have hot chocolate and toast, and I wouldn't feel cold again. Was I going mad? Was I? Was there actually any way to escape from the prison? I couldn't start over, not again, but was there actually any alternative? Sure, a portal to Purgatory could be opened, but that didn't mean we could escape. _But you can get out of every other level, Earth, Heaven, Hell - not always easily but you could_ do _it. Surely..._ but Purgatory had always been different. Not for the first time I contemplated if I could end my life, so far the only thing that had managed it had been Lucifer himself, probably because he had created me - so, the creator could kill the creature, ultimately the creature could kill the creator too I supposed, but the real question was could the creature kill itself? Because if I truly was going to be trapped here indefinitely, I wasn't going to accept that- _but Crowley's waiting._

 _Crowley is waiting for me..._

 _We still have that last movie to watch... which one was it?_ _Sitting on our bed, side by side watching... something._

I needed to get home.

I flinched at every sound that I heard, panicked at any touch from the low branches. Isolation was bad for me. _Who had said that?_ Balthazar probably. For a while I tried to follow the river, but it was too open. I'd cleaned my face and arms though, while I'd been there - I caught a glimpse of my reflection too. I looked older. Not significantly, maybe 8 or 10 years older, but older anyway. There were dark circles under my eyes, and thin streaks of white stood out in my dark hair. I had just laughed when I spotted the slight wrinkles at the corners of my eyes. Great. Just great.

I tried not to think about it much. Purgatory was a prison for monsters, and it seemed to be effecting me more than I would have liked to think. _Because I'm a monster. I'm just another monster._ I kept hunting them; the more I killed the less there would be to hunt Dean and Cas. Who I needed to find. I knew I couldn't escape without them. Fuck, I needed to find them.

I had been tracking footprints - a tall male, too tall for Dean or Cas, too heavy. I spotted him through the trees - tall, maybe just short of six foot, broad built, dark jacket, short dark hair. He hadn't noticed me yet. I took him by surprise, surprising him into baring his fangs for a second - vampire. I was ready to kill him when he shouted, "Dean!"

I froze. Dean? Dean. I frowned, "Dean" my voice was rough.

"Mav?"

I turned, and there he was. Dean Winchester, covered in dirt and blood with this look of sheer relief on his face. He was right there, wrapping his arms around me - I flinched but Dean was holding me to tight to notice. "Dean" I breathed.

"Mav"

"Thank _fuck_ "

From behind me the vampire asked, his voice a southern drawl, "Had a feeling you'd know each other. Going to introduce me to your friend? This isn't the angel, is it?"

Dean pulled me in to his side as I looked back round uncertainly, "This is Mavriel, and this," he nodded to the vampire, "is Benny Lafitte - you can trust him. Benny's been helping me look for you and Cas."

"You haven't found him?"

Dean took a breath and gave a short sigh, "Not yet"

I looked round to Benny, I gave him an awkward nod, "em... sorry for, you know..."

But he smiled, "That's alright, I can understand. Dean's been tellin' me all 'bout you, and your other friend"

I glanced at Dean, "What's he been saying?"

Very quickly we banded together. Dean reckoned we'd been in Purgatory for maybe six or seven months, and over the next four or five we readjusted the way we worked; Dean noted that my attitude to hunting had changed. I wasn't aware, but he noticed that I was jumpier now too, I flinched at any sound or unexpected movement. Both men saw the purple colour of my eyes many times, possibly even every other day. I knew I was tense, probably too tense... it was just... I'd never been left lone for so long before... I woke up in a panic every other day thinking I'd been left behind and was alone again... I tried not to let Dean know, but I knew he'd noticed.

We just had to find Cas. We had to find Cas, then we could find a way out of here.

Benny and I became quick friends. We realised we were similar in a few ways; monsters, who didn't quite belong in that category, more human than most. We joked softly, teased gently - Benny could see I was still not really entirely trusting, not purely in regards to him, more in regards to what was around us. I couldn't relax in Purgatory.

Benny was nice, sweet, he flirted with me from time to time. "You know I have a King waiting for me at home?"

"Yeah, but from what I understand you two aren't the classic couple"

"No, we're not - but he's still waiting"

We went through all kinds of shit. We found Cas - he could barely look me in the eye, and I wasn't exactly trying to talk to him either. But we managed. Everything seemed to go quicker once we found him again. Before I knew it we had a plan, and we were on our way out.

...

Earth. The intensity of the colours hurt my eyes for a few moments, and the noise over whelmed my ears. The smell of trees and decaying leaves was replaced by the smokey city fumes and the whiffs of fast food. I'd hugged Dean, tight, and he hugged me in return, squeezing me against his chest. When we stepped a part, Dean gave me a smile, "You should go find Crowley"

I nodded, "You should go find Sam" He nodded too.

XXXXX

I remember very clearly walking through the empty halls of my home. I knew where I was heading, I just knew where he'd be. I walked up to the double doors of the throne room, dry blood still sticking to my skin, my clothes still torn and stained, my face aged, grey streaks marking my hair. I pushed the doors a part, and my eyes found him immediately, seated above his demons, my throne standing empty beside his. There was silence, and everybody froze.

Crowley sat straighter, my name a whisper on his lips as he stood. "Everyone out"

"But sir-"

"OUT!"


	24. Lesson 24 - To Survive and Start Again

Crowley sat straighter, my name a whisper on his lips as he stood. "Everyone out"

"But sir-"

"OUT!"

The demons rushed out of the room. I'd only managed to take a few steps forward as they flooded through the doors. The second the heavy wood slammed shut, Crowley left the throne platform, taking each step slowly, one at a time, trying to convince himself that this was real, "Mav?" his eyes were wide, uncertain but hopeful. It had taken him a moment to see past the weariness and aging and recognise me.

I nodded. There were tears forming in my eyes, my breathing was shaky. For a time I hadn't believed I'd actually manage to make it home. When he stood level with me, I could see there were tears in his eyes too, tears he was trying to hold back as he watched mine spill down my cheeks. A hesitant smile tugged his lips. I ran to him, pulling him close to me; I burying my face in his chest, tears staining his shirt. I clung to him. _I was home, I was really home._ His arms were soft around me, gentle and sweet and careful. I couldn't hold back the sobs that built in my throat. "Shh," he whispered, "shh, you're home now, Love. I've got you. I've got you, Mav"

It felt like a dream. I'd waited for a year for this, just to be with Crowley again, to hold him, to hear his voice. I closed my eyes and breathed in the smell of sulphur and whiskey. I balled my fists in the fabric of his jacket, I couldn't let go of him now. Gently he rubbed my back, giving me time to breath and relax. I could feel the muscles in my arms and legs twitching, my hands shaking, from exhaustion and stress - I needed to sit down, I needed to sleep, properly, without the fear that something was going to get me while I rested - but I didn't want to move. I didn't have the energy to move.

"I missed you" I managed to whisper.

Crowley swallowed past the lump in his throat, "Believe me, Love, I missed you too" surprised, I heard him take a shaky breath, "Why- why don't we get you cleaned up, Mav? Get you to bed?"

I nodded, "Yeah" but I didn't move.

"Okay, Love" he said softly. Carefully he let me go, stooped and picked me up, lifting me and cradling me against his chest. I leant my head on his chest, over his heart, my hand resting flat against his shirt. "I've got you, I've got you" He carried me to _our_ room, sat me down on _our_ bed and went and started running me a bath. It was nice to belong in a place again, to have things that I had at least some ownership of. My eyelids were heavy, I was nearly falling asleep when Crowley stood in front of me again, "Mav?"

I looked up at him and I smiled weakly, "Yeah?"

"The bath's ready, Love"

I nodded. He waited until I stood up and took my hand. Carefully, he helped me wash, kneeling beside the tub, leaning in. He cleaned away all the dirt and blood, softly tracing over new scars and healing the wounds that he found as he went. I closed my eyes as he delicately washed my hair. His expression was soft but there was a clear trace of concern through it. I barely spoke. A year. I'd been gone for a year. He hadn't changed. He dried my hair and helped me dress into a clean, fresh set of soft pyjamas. He pulled me to him as we lay in our bed.

"Do you want to talk about it, Mav?"

"There's not much to talk about" I mumbled, "there were monsters everywhere that wanted to kill me - I survived"

"Not unscathed though, Love" he said, as if to remind me.

"No" I buried my head in against his chest. Crowley wrapped an arm around me while he gently began to play with the strands of silver grey hair that broke up my dark locks, "Tomorrow I'm going to buy hair dye" I groaned, changing the subject, watching the silvery strands slip through his fingers from out of the corner of my eye.

"Now why would you do that?" the question was soft, gently teasing, very very gently.

I scowled, "I hate _them_ , I've got to get them covered up"

"No, Mav" he said softly, "don't bother with that" I grumbled under my breath, not really wanting Crowley to hear my complaint. "What was that, Love?"

I sat up slightly, pouting a little, my brow furrowed slightly, "I look- old... older"

He raised his eyebrows at me skeptically. I knew there was some joke on the tip of his tongue about our appearances and ages, but he asked carefully, "Is that really it?"

I took a breath, pausing to bit my lip, "I thought- once I was out - it would be over... I thought I'd be able to put it aside like it was just another thing I'd survived and I could wake up each morning and I could forget about it... but I can't... I'm going to wake up, _every_ day, and... it's going to be right here" I gestured vaguely to my face and hair. "I'm used to a world where about half the people who know me want me dead - I've accepted that. But in Purgatory, everything knew who I was, every one of them knew all I'd done, and every single one of them wanted me dead, in some horrid, cruel way"

"You're safe now"

I sighed softly, relaxing a little before I lay my head down on his chest, "I know, thank you"

"For what?"

"...You keep me safe" I said, "You look after me, take care of me - come on, I showed up here only a few hours ago, after a year, covered in blood and mud and all kinds of crap, all cut and bruised, and the first thing you did, was send everyone way. You gave me privacy and immediately you started taking care of me."

Crowley hugged me close, "I spent the last year trying to figure out how to get you back - I was this close to going in after you myself, it was the only thing I could have done. But Moose convinced me otherwise"

I paused, ready to say something else before I asked, "Sam? You were talking to Sam?"

"I tried looking for help anywhere I could get it, so yes, I spoke to Sam Winchester... He made a good argument though, I must confess"

"What did he say?"

He sighed shortly, reluctant to admit Sam Winchester had been helpful to him, "That if I disappeared off into Purgatory after you Hell would fall to ruin, the demons would flood the earth, and, more importantly, when you managed to get out I wouldn't be here to look after you"

I smiled, "I'm going to have to thank him for that"

He nodded, "Well, whatever you need Love, I'm right here. I'll give you my all, you know that don't you?"

"Of course I do, Crowley" then it hit me, "Wait. You were actually going to go into Purgatory? To find me?"

"Yes, of course" he said, as if that would have been the obvious thing to do. I smiled at him. He would have gone selflessly into Purgatory for me. There were tears in my eyes as I hugged him tight. "Mav? What...?"

"You..." I beamed as I held onto him, reveling in the feeling of being held. Just the realisation that someone still cared about me brought tears to my eyes and a warmth to my heart.

"Mav are you...? Is everything okay?" he asked softly, unsure.

"I think it will be"

He thought on it a second, "I... Is there anything I can do?"

"Just, trust me, I think everything's going to turn out alright, I just need a little time and we'll get everything back to normal, Darling"

He smiled, gazing at me, "Of course, Love"


	25. Lesson 25 - Nightmares are Worse

_Opening my eyes I saw a world around me, dark, cold grey. Trees spread thick around me, stretching far to high into a granite sky. This was Purgatory. There were true monsters here. In the back of my mind I knew I had escaped, but now I was back. I'd been dragged back, somehow. I'd been trapped again, in some way. Because I was a monster... and that was where I belonged... No. No. I was of Hell, I belonged to Hell- Hell belonged to me._

 _I had to escape again._

 _Crowley was beside me. We were at the river, it was running wrong... backwards... slowly... I accepted that. We had to escape. I had to get Crowley out. He needed to be safe, I'd survived this before but he was in danger. I dragged him behind me as we ran to that cliff, that rift where we could escape - or in the least Crowley could escape._

 _I started to climb to safety, only pausing to help Crowley continue behind me. We had gone so far but with ever move our escape seemed further and further away. I kept climbing until I heard a sickening laughter behind me. I turned to a sight that made my heart stop. Cas. A warped grin on his face, his body held wrong, black goo running down him - Leviathan. No. His mouth wasn't moving but I could still hear that laughter. He grabbed Crowley and I screamed soundlessly. We were on the ground. Crowley was being ripped apart and I was held solidly by that thick black sludge - it climbed up my body, crushing my bones. I was trying to fight, to scream, to save Crowley but it wasn't working, nothing was working._

 _That solid mass of black seized around my throat, crawling it's way up, over my jaw. It worked it's way past my lips, flooding my mouth before forcing itself down my throat. I was chocking, still trying to fight as my throat was being stretched open further and more sludge surged to fill my lungs, my stomach, somehow making its way into the chambers of my heart. It was destroying me._

 _Crowley was gone, Cas's body covered in his blood and traces of the Leviathans that were using him. He watched me, with that grin and excited eyes._

He was gone. It was all gone. I could breath. I screamed, fight with whatever it was that was touching me. I kicked and lashed out. I knew I was screaming but I didn't think to stop. I fell, cracking my head off something before landing hard on my knees. Then came a striking clarity.

I was home. I was safe. Crowley was safe. It'd only been a nightmare.

My heart was pounding and every breath I took was harsh and shaky; I was vaguely aware my head was bleeding. I was kneeling on the floor at the side of the bed, one arm on the edge of the mattress, fingers gripping the cover. My other hand was on the floor, my nails digging into the rug.

"Mavriel! _Mavriel!_ " Crowley was shouting- panicking. I realised he'd actually been trying to get my attention for some time. I tried to respond, to say something but all that I managed was a quiet sob. There were tears rolling down my face, I was trembling, my muscles locked and tense. I looked up at him from where I was partially slumped against the side of the bed. He was crouched next to me, close but not overbearingly so. And he looked frightened, genuinely afraid. "Mav" he said again, softly now he knew he had my attention, "you're hurt Darling, could you- can you move, Love?"

 _I don't know._ I shook my head slowly, and he understood. "Okay, okay - right, well, let's just relax, Love. You're safe, I can protect you now. You're alright." I didn't understand at first why he was so focused on calming me down, until the weight on my back dawned on me - in panic I had tried to use my wings to fight or protect me. My wings were arched over me, close to my back. I don't think I'd ever drawn my wings from instinct, if I had it'd been a very long time ago. It took a moment, but I hid my wings away again. As soon as I did, Crowley came closer to me - carefully he held me at my sides, placing himself so he could let me lean back and he could take my weight.

Gently, he sat me back, my legs bent to the side. I rested in his arms, closing my eyes and focusing on my breathing until I felt a little better. I turned my head and pressed my forehead in against his chest. "It was- it was a nightmare, that's all" I breathed.

"That's all" he repeated, skeptically. There was that concern in his voice. "Do you think you can get up now? I want to sort out that cut"

The cut, on my forehead, from falling out of bed. I'd not thought about that. "Yeah" I groaned softly. I let him help me up. I sat back on the edge of our bed, letting him clean away the trail of blood that had started to run down my forehead.

"Tell me about your nightmare" Crowley said, softly demanding.

I took a second, "I was back in Purgatory, you were there. I was trying to get us out... We were nearly there but, but Cas showed up, possessed by the Leviathan... He killed you and... and that black goo that they are, it trapped me and was crushing me and- and it got into my throat and suffocated me. I was trying to escape and save you..."

He didn't say anything for a second, concentrating on the blood on my skin. "I see"

"...I ...I had nightmares in Purgatory. Sometimes that the Leviathan had found you on Earth and had killed you, or that they found you and brought you to Purgatory to kill you in front of me..."

That upset him - I could see it in his eyes, but he tried to let me see. I caught his wrist in my hand, staring at him for a moment before pulling him into a hug. I felt the emotions well up inside me, as tears formed in the corners of my eyes. Crowley held me firmly but carefully. "I... I..." I took a shaky breath, "... I don;t want to leave you again."

I felt his chest swell, his grip tighten just a little. "I'm not going to let you out of my sight"

When we did manage to go back to bed, I slept held tight in Crowley's arms, pressed tight against his chest. I needed that solidness, that firm realness, to feel safe again. I had to know he as there with me. I struggled for a while to keep the fact that we were both safe in my mind - I kept repeating it over and over again until I fell back asleep, peacefully dreamless this time. Maybe this was going to be harder than I'd thought.


	26. Lesson 26 - Affection and Protection

Crowley sat with his back against the headboard. I sat between his legs, leaning back against his chest. Crowley had been filling me in on what had happened since I got trapped in Purgatory. A few boring but important details, how he had organised the demons to take out the remaining Leviathans, and that he may have kidnapped the prophet, Kevin.

"Kevin? That poor boy who was living with the Winchesters?"

"Well yes"

"Why?"

"He can read the tablets of God, I was hoping he would find something to get you out of Purgatory"

I laughed a little, shaking my head, "Please tell me you've let him go now"

"He escaped during the night apparently"

I sat up straight, looking over my shoulder at him, "And?"

"And I can't be arsed going after him so, to answer the unasked question, yes, he's free to go - back to Moose and Squirrel if he so wishes."

I smiled, cuddling back into him, "Thank you"

"And as far as anyone knows, I did everything in my power to capture him again."

"Yes, Love" I laughed softly. Crowley wrapped his arms around me, getting comfortable and resting his chin on my shoulder. Gently, he kissed the side of my neck, pulling me closer to him, cuddling me tight. I giggled a little, "Crowley!"

"Yes, Love?" I could only laugh, grinning widely. "Is there something wrong?" he teased.

"Mmm," I craned my neck to look at him, "look at you getting all affectionate and cute"

He raised his eyebrows, "Do you want me to stop?" he teased.

"No"

"Good" very quickly, a real sense of firm determination swept over him, "because I'm not going to let you go. Not now, not ever - do you understand?" Briefly I was surprised by his forwardness, remembering all the moments we'd tried to distance our emotions in the past. But this felt different... like the start of something new. I was so comfortable, right there with him, more than I ever had before. I nodded, bitting my bottom lip a little. "I couldn't let you go ever again" he added, softly, looking at me, with something different in his eyes - protectiveness, a delicacy, concern and desire and longing, a softness, maybe something more.

I couldn't keep the smile off my lips. "Well" I said, "that's good... I'm not going anywhere any time soon"

"No, you're not. Not without me anyway"

I leant my forehead against his, closing my eyes as I smiled wider. Crowley let out a softly sigh, and I knew he was smiling. He moved slowly, his nose brushing alongside mine before he sweetly kissed me. His arms wrapped tight around me, holding me close and safe. "Let me protect you" he breathed.

Until now, it had all felt like we were just playing our parts, it was barely real for me, but I realised, this is my life now, and it's a lift I want, and cherish. The days of having a laugh with Crowley then going back home to the boys were over. I'd thought this wasn't a real responcibility for me, just a part time job to fill my spare time and please a friend, but it was so much more... and it dawned on me how much that that was what I wanted, with Crowley. I cuddled in closer to him, "Okay Crowley, okay"


	27. Lesson 27 - Evaluate Worth

" _Shit!_ " Crowley hissed.

I looked up, "What's wrong?"

He dragged a hand over his face, and with a voice that sounded like a tired mother complaining about her misbehaving son, he said, "Bloody boy's taken the tablet"

"Oh... shit" I stood up, "I'll go"

Crowley looked quietly furious, he turned to me as I walked towards him, "We need that back" he said lowly, "We can't risk _them_ doing _something_ "

"I know" I told him softly, "I'll get it back"

...Well, I tried.

"Dean please" I urged again, "It belongs in Hell, I want it back. It's safe with me, why are you being so persistent about this?"

"It doesn't _belong_ to you, Mav, or Hell, or whatever" he said, arms folded across his chest as he desperately tried to keep unattached from our friendship. "Why should I let it go back to Hell? Where it can be used against any of us?"

"Kevin is _here_ \- no-one else can read it! And it won't be used against anyone! Not while _I'm_ Queen"

"You trust Crowley _that_ much?" Sam asked, scathingly.

"Yes!" you looked between them, "Please. It's in everyone's better interest that the tablets says with me"

Sam stood straight, from leaning against the table, "Why was Crowley getting Kevin to translate it?" His voice was low, and dangerous.

I folded my arms, glaring up at him, "He was trying to see if it held any information about Purgatory - to get me out!"

"Is that _all_?" Sam so desperately, it seemed, wanted to place doubt in my mind were Crowley was concerned. I wasn't going to have that.

"Yes Sam, that is _all_. Look, he had a plan for Purgatory for a long time, but then he saw it go wrong. He gave up on it; he put it behind him. When we killed Dick, the only thing Crowley wanted to do with Purgatory then was get me back!"

"Wait" Dean said, stepping forward, "so back then, did you know about Crowley's plan? To take souls from Purgatory?"

I faltered, confused by the sudden turn in conversation, "Yes, in part"

"And you didn't try to stop him?" he asked incredulously.

I scoffed, "It wasn't like I was Queen then Dean. I took nothing to do with demon politics."

"But everything with Cas? And Raphael? Crowley had his army of demons that nearly killed us. Did you know?" He stared me down.

I sighed tightly, "I knew that Cas was up to something. I knew Raphael was involved somehow. I knew Crowley was the King of Hell and he had an army. But, Dean, understand this - I only became involved, after _Castiel murdered Balthazar_. ...Crowley has done crazier things in the past than try to get souls from Purgatory, I didn't question what was going on, it was none of my business. But After Balthazar was killed, then, and _only then_ , did I start to find out exactly what was going on. So don't start trying to pin the cause of this on me."

"I never said it was your fault, Mav-"

"No but you were making it out like I was involved - let me remind you, I was still mourning Gabriel when everything began" There was guilt there, in both brother's eyes as I said that. But they had taken me off track from where I'd wanted to go. I needed to get back to business. "Now, to go back to my original point, since I became the Queen of Hell, I have done nothing but prove that we are still on the same team. I have helped you at every turn. Why do you think Kevin's free and unharmed? I have done everything in my power to help you both. So, why now, when I'm asking something so easy from you, are you refusing?"

Sam shook his head, "It's not that simple"

"Why not? Why does it have to be any more complicated? I have proven you can trust me, so trust me with this!"

"You've got ulterior motives" Dean said quietly.

"What?"

Dean pursed his lips, then sighed before looking me in the eye again, "The tablet, who knows what's on it - it could tell you how to be more powerful, how to take power from others, or anything - you're strong now, but... you might be able to use it to find the angels who took you from the Cage, and get your own back. You could use it to hurt Cas, worse than you already did. You could... you could use it to take over Heaven, probably. _We_ don't know what it does, but I'm betting you, or Crowley has some idea. And Crowley's gone after other prophets before"

I was hurt. "...You actually think that of me?" my voice came out softer than I'd intended. Dean faltered, glancing at Sam, who looked away. "Do neither of you genuinely trust me?" I asked, reluctantly - they were my friends, surely they couldn't just turn their backs...

"I don't know any more Mav" Dean said, poker faced, "And, I mean, after what you did to Cas-"

"Tell me he didn't deserve it Dean. I could have killed him and it would have been fair." I said lowly.

Dean awkwardly tried to physically stand his ground, attempting to make himself look bigger, "We're allies - you can't just attack-"

"He murdered my best friend Dean! He's lucky I left him breathing"

Dean let out a tight sigh. "We're not giving you the tablet"

"Fine!" I snapped, "We'll just have to take it". With a snap of my fingers, I was gone.

Back in Hell I kicked a box that had been lying on the floor, sending it flying across the room, bashing off the opposite wall. I stood there for a moment, breathing harshly through clenched teeth. "Mav?"

I looked up at Crowley, who had just came in. "We're going to have to take it"

xxxxx

Time passed before were got the chance to go after the tablet - unsurprisingly, Sam and Dean no longer had it. It was being auctioned off with a whole load of other ancient powerful artifacts .

I watched from the back of the room as the auction began. I'd calmed down for the most part - of course, Sam and Dean just thought they were doing what was 'for the greater good'. They're only human, it's not like they could really understand.

Crowley had sat down amongst the other bidders, near Sam and Dean, and Kevin and his mother, teasing them and winding them up - he'd already been slapped by Mrs Tran, but I doubted he'd mess with them much further.

The 'auctioneer' announced, "Our next lot, the Word of God," He held the tablet high in the air for everyone to see, " _capital_ 'G' – very old, very rare."

Crowley got to his feet, "Three billion dollars"

Then an angel, a cherubim called Samandriel stood, "The Mona Lisa"

Crowley scoffed, "The _real_ Mona Lisa, where she's topless"

"Vatican City" Samandriel countered, almost desperately - the tablet had been out of angelic hands for too long.

Crowley shot him a look, " _Alaska_ "

But the auctioneer scoffed, "Palin and a bridge to nowhere? No, thanks"

Crowley sighed, "All right. The _moon_ "

Even from where I was standing I could hear Dean say, "You're bidding the moon?"

He replied, "Yeah. Claimed it for Hell. Think a man named _Buzz_ gets to go into space without making a deal?"

The auctioneer look unamused, "Ah. I'm sorry, gentlemen. It seems that our reserve price has not been met. So in order to stimulate the bidding, we're going to add an item to this lot… Kevin Tran, Prophet of the Lord"

 _Shit. No._ I didn't want that. As much as I hadn't been paying whole attention to the proceedings, that caught me hard. I had no intentions of getting Kevin dragged back into this mess. I was here as emergency back up, I didn't think it would be at all necessary.

He pointed to Kevin and he disappeared from his seat, his mother gasping, startled. She stood, " _No!_ "

Kevin reappeared in chains. The auctioneers stated simply, "Mr Tran is the only person on Earth who can read this tablet, which makes them a perfect matching set. So, do I hear a bid of, um–"

Mrs Tran all but screamed, "No, stop! I'll give you whatever you want. I have a 401K, my house!" I knew it was far less than enough.

"Good effort, Ms. Tran, but I'm afraid this is a little out of your price range."

She straightened up, looked him dead in the eye and said, "My soul" I frowned, staring at her.

Now Kevin yelled, "Mom, don't!"

"I bid my soul!" she said again, firmer. I shook my head - did she even know what she was doing?

Crowley looked pleased, "If it's souls that you're after, I can give you a _million_ souls. So, we have a deal?"

The auctioneer shook his head, "It's not about the quantity, chief. It's about the sacrifice. This little lady's soul is the most valuable thing she has. It's _everything_. Are _you_ willing to offer everything, Mr Crowley?"

Crowley looked for a second like he was genuinely considering making some form of sacrifice for this, then he said, dramatically, "Fine. You win. I bid... _my own soul!_ "

I rolled my eyes. The auctioneer laughed, "Mr Crowley, you don't _have_ a soul." Crowley shrugged, as if to say, _'oh well, I gave it a shot'_.

I shook my head, this had gone on long enough, "Enough of this" I called, announcing my presence. Every head turned as I walked from the back of the room, watching me as I snapped my fingers, changing into the more appropriate attire of the Queen of Hell, " _I_ make a bid - for the tablet, I offer you something unique, something that no-one else has ever had, or will ever have ever again. I bid you a favour, from me, that can be called upon at anytime, with no boundaries or limitations, just that it is one solitary favour."

The auctioneer thought on it, "That's not enough for the tablet and the prophet, Mavriel, Queen of Hell" he leered at me, in a way that should have made me sick, but I knew exactly what I was offering.

"I never said anything about the prophet. I just want the tablet. Do we have a deal?"

"And what does your King think of this deal?"

"I don't care" I said, not looking round, not wanting to see the look on Crowley's face, "I am bidding for this myself, as he has already bid for himself. Now, do we have a deal?"

The grin on the auctioneers face said it all, "Congratulations, Queen Mavriel - the tablet is yours"

"Thank you"


	28. Lesson 28 - Quantify Friendships

Crowley was livid when I got back. But I knew he would be.

I walked back into our bedroom, my make up smeared, my clothes and hair a mess - I was the picture of sex, the _worse_ picture of sex. I let my hair down and dropped the shoes that had been in my hand. I wasn't stupid, I knew exactly what would be wanted when I offered a deal like that - _one favour_. Of course, all he'd wanted was a fuck.

"Where were you?"

"You know exactly where I was, Crowley" I said, not looking at him as I crossed the room towards our en suite.

He clenched his jaw. "You shouldn't have done that"

"What?"

"You know what! Bid a _favour_. Do you have _any_ idea what could have happened?"

I turned to look at him, "I knew exactly what was going to happen - he was predictable as fuck"

"Yes, _clearly_ " he looked me up and down, "You were lucky. You willingly-"

I rolled my eyes, "I got us the tablet"

"Yes, and let the prophet go!"

"You knew damn well I as going to let Kevin go - this wasn't about him, don't pretend it was"

He stormed across the room to me, getting in my face, "You said in front of that whole room that you didn't care what I wanted."

"Yeah?" I said, squared against him, not giving him an inch.

"This whole time I've been trying to convince every demon, every angel, every god and monster that we are a force to be reckoned with, and you just let a representative of each of those know that we can't even carry out a simple task without working against each other."

I sneered, "Oh will you stop being so dramatic"

"You may not care about your reputation, but I care about mine - and by extension, _ours_ "

"When was I _ever_ given the chance to care about my reputation, Crowley?! If anything I've shown everyone what they already knew - _you_ look the part and _I_ get shit done. I'm _Lucifer's whore_ , and you're a _two bit con man_. Now everyone just knows that nothing's changed."

The look of genuine shock on his face caught me off guard for a second. I turned to walk away, but he caught my arm, "What's gotten into you?"

I pulled out of his grasp, "What are you talking about?"

"Since you went to talk to the Winchesters about the tablet you've been ready to explode at the slightest thing. What happened? Seeing as you've been avoiding the subject I can only imagine they said something to upset you" he still sounded as angry as he had at the beginning, but his tone had changed - and as much as his anger still outwardly looked like it was directed at me, I knew it wasn't really.

"Blame all your problems on someone else, like always. Sure"

"What did they say to you?" the softness of his voice made me recoil slightly.

"Leave me alone" I snapped.

I walked away, shut myself in the bathroom. I stood there for a while, but eventually took a shower, washing the smell of sex off me. After I had dried off, I wrapped my towel tight around me, and quietly opened the door back into our bedroom. Crowley sat on the far side of the bed, his back to me.

"They don't trust me" I said quietly.

Crowley turned sharply, locking eyes with me, "The Winchesters?"

I nodded, my gaze drifting off to the floor as I said, "Dean thinks I have _'ulterior motives'_ \- that I'd use the tablet to hurt Cas, or hunt down the angels who took me, or take over _Heaven_. Sam thinks you're pure evil and are manipulating me. They don't trust me to make my own decisions, or stand up for myself. They think I'm... After everything, shouldn't they just be able to _trust_ me?"

Crowley nodded. He stood carefully, coming to stand just in front of me. "They're _broken_. It's not you - they don't trust _anyone_ , not fully. They don't even trust each other half of the time. Everyone that's ever meant something to them has stabbed them in the back one way or another. Try not to take it personally, Love. You could pluck the sun from the sky for them and it'd never be enough."

I could feel the tears welling in my eyes, "But they're my friends"

" _Yes_ , they are. But they're far from perfect, and sometimes, like this, they're going to hurt you, and they're going to think they're right to do so. You're blessed and cursed Love, to have had the friends that you've had. Sam and Dean, are not Balthazar and Gabriel - things will never be the same with the Winchesters as it was before."

He was right. I knew he was.

Crowley delicately cupped my cheek, and placed a kiss on my forehead, "Why don't you get changed, Mav. Maybe a good night's sleep would be good for you."

I nodded, wiping away the traces of tears from my eyes.


	29. Help me I dont know anymore

"Mavriel, will you please stop ignoring me?"

I looked up, "What? Sorry, I didn't hear you" Guilt sat in my chest, my mind had been elsewhere for the last while.

"You've been distract" Crowley said, trying to get me to open up, not for the first time in recent days.

"Yeah..."

He gave a soft sigh, "Mav, do you want to talk about anything? Anything at all?"

I wanted to say _'not really'_. But I knew I shouldn't, I knew I should try to sort my mind out. "I... There's a lot on my mind"

"Tell me, talk to me, please"

"I... It's just... A lot's happened, in not a long amount time, and... It's a lot to process"

"Go on"

"... I mean, Purgatory happened, then I got back and the nightmares started..."

"They haven't stopped?"

I shook my head, "And then everything with Kevin and the Winchesters and the tablet, and then the auction, and they way we fought, I... and now it feels like it never happened, any of it - like it was just a dream, and then I see myself and I'm... I'm _different_ from what I was expecting, with my hair, and I just look... old and I... I'm not _me_ anymore, I'm someone else, I'm something else - I don't know anymore, I'm just... I'm not... I'm not me, anymore... I- I don't know who I am. I don't feel _real_ anymore"

"My Dear, you are very much real"

"I know..."

"You are you - regardless of name or title or appearance. And if you ever need reassured of that, all you have to do say"

"Thank you" I said softly, "But that doesn't really help"

"What can I do?"

"I don't know" I shook my head. "...You know, before Purgatory, I felt... I felt like there was something... Like there was something more between us, or, that something more was starting to develop. I can remember thinking that though over and over again, but I can't remember what it was - _what_ was different, _what_ was changing. And I thought, once I was back, I would figure out what it was, but I can't - I don't even know if it was real anymore. I don't remember what's right or not. And I'm doubting everything I do - every action I take. I'm doubting my own memory. I'm questioning how I act with you, and I've _never_ done _that_ before. I'm questioning how I come off to _everyone_ I interact with. I just don't know _anything_ anymore. I spent so much of my life making myself into someone I wanted to be and now, _now I've lost it_. I don't know what to do, at all, I'm just acting on impulse and- and I don't know what's going to happen next." my voice cracked "I don't know what I'm going to do or say. I don't know what _you're_ going to do, I- I can't predict that anymore; not because of you, but _my_ mind just can't see it." Tears started to roll down my face, "It's like I don't exist out with this very second and- and I could just be here one moment and the next I'll just be gone" I began to sob "And I'm scared, I'm so scared. Crowley, _I'm scared_. I'm scared"

He wrapped his arms around me as I cried. My chest ached from sobbing, so did my throat. I was shaking and crying and I felt it would never end. The guilt and fear and panic inside he was writhing and I had no control anymore. I wasn't in control. _I wasn't in control._ I knew I was mumbling, incomplete thoughts spilled out of my mouth and they just kept coming.

I could feel Crowley; his warmth, his softness. I could hear him telling me I was going to be okay, but how? _How was I going to be okay?_ I was losing myself. I'd _lost_ myself. I was _gone_. There was just remnants left of me, fractured pieces trying to hold themselves together with fear and paranoia and guilt. Such guilt, that came from nowhere, that wasn't deserved - I knew it wasn't deserved but it was still there, clawing at me.

Oh God I was afraid.

I don't know how long I sat there in that state. But there came a point when I could cry no more. I felt numb. I felt lost. I felt like I was made of smoke, like I was going to dissipate any second.

Crowley held me. He held me tight, kept me grounded. I was real. I was here. I was not alone. I was not wrong. I had not done anything wrong. I was not the feelings fighting me from inside my mind. I was me. I had always been me and I hadn't changed, not really. I was still the same person that I was when we had first met. I was still the same person who had become Queen of Hell. I was still Crowley's friend, as I had _always_ been.

I took long shuddering breaths. I eventually stopped shaking. I held his hands in mine, staring at them - _Crowley is real, so I am real._

 _I am real. I am real. I am real._

When I began to feel solid again, I was able to look him in the eye. Crowley's eyes were red from tears, and for a moment I couldn't understand. But he held me close, protecting me, shielding me. If he could have fought off every intrusive thought and bad feeling in my mind he would have.

"You are so strong, Mav, and I love you so much. And I'm going to be here for you, forever. Okay?"

I nodded, even gave a small smile. "Okay"

"Okay, Love"

"Okay"


End file.
